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sometimes i have a bad day. it hasn't happened in a while. often bad things happen on a day that is overall good.
when i have a bad day it can feel like the world is ending, or that my life isn't worth living. but why? i'm free to feel the sun on my skin, to dance in the rain if i want, to walk barefoot in the woods and close my eyes and hear the leaves shudder in the wind. i'm free to feel sad, i'm free to feel angry, i'm free to feel scared. i'm free.
brad sigmon (south carolina, firing squad), jesse hoffman jr. (louisiana, nitrogen hypoxia), aaron gunches (arizona, lethal injection), wendell grissom (oklahoma, lethal injection), and edward james (florida, lethal injection). five men killed this month, a few within days or just hours of each other. with a heavy heart, i can breathe. bloody march is over.
but...
on april 8th, michael tanzi will be executed in florida. on april 11th, mikal mahdi will be executed in south carolina. on april 23rd, moises sandoval mendoza will be executed in texas. on april 24th, james osgood will be executed in alabama. on may 20th, matthew johnson will be executed in texas. on may 22nd, oscar smith will be executed in tennessee. on august 5th, byron black will be executed in tennessee. on september 24th, donnie middlebrooks will be executed in tennessee. timothy coleman and kareem m. jackson are scheduled for execution in october and december in ohio, and the last execution for 2025 is on december 11th, harold nichols in tennessee.
there are executions scheduled all the way out to 2028.
when did these human beings last breathe the fresh air? some have been on death row for years, decades. do they smell the rain in their dreams? do they have friends or loved ones to share their worries and their hopes with? do they have any hope left?
it puts things in perspective. i'm free to walk the earth. they are shut away from it. they're kept from the earth, the weather, the seasons. what is a year in a cell, compared to a year in the sun and rain and snow and falling leaves and wind? i watch the deer in the woods, the hawks in the air, the fish in the water. i pass my time, free to engage with my hobbies, laugh with my family and friends, and have the choice to spend time alone. comfort in solitude.
How many days or years do I sit and just let life happen
Listening to the constant drip of poison that engulfs me daily
I cannot allow myself to feel any emotion – good or bad - happy or sad
Of course, there are moments of laughter but when it fades, I’m left alone
Will I ever walk the world as a free man again doing what I want
Do I get to sit with my child enjoying a meal and conversation
I’ve missed out on all her firsts, first words, first steps, first days of school
Not being there when she cried, never waking in the night just to watch her sleeping
What joys have I, no she has been denied, robbed completely of her father’s love
Oh, she knows without a doubt that I love her dearly
But where am I when she calls
Not a moment passes when I don’t want to be there
But it’s out of my control
You’ll get relief eventually, are loaded words that I’m often told.
But we all know no road goes on forever, and every car runs out of gas
I question myself daily about my choices, and ask how long will I allow this misery to last
— Marion Bowman Jr.
Today
Today allows us a fresh start, a sort of new beginning
Yesterday is gone, with all its frustrations and isn’t even worth mentioning
Tomorrow isn’t here, yet we fret over the unknown
Let the joys of today stand alone
No eraser can change the things of yesterday so learn to forgive and let go
Worry about tomorrow and you’ll miss all the blessings today has to give
Yesterday is behind you, so stand-up dust off and continue on
Tomorrow offers you worry and stress about the unknown
Today is filled with hope and joy so let today stand alone.
— Marion Bowman Jr.
Comments
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sam
this is a really beautiful blog, thank you for posting it. when i hit my low points, i try to think of everything this way, too. not just incarcerated people and people on death row but everyone in the world that has extremely limited/no freedom; people living under occupation, people experiencing genocide, people who are severely impoverished, people who are unhoused, so on. i know for some people that might make them experience guilt for feeling bad in the first place, but i dont think recognizing you have your own issues is mutually exclusive with appreciating the freedom and life you do have. because, i dont know, when i feel like my life is pointless or i contribute nothing of value, or my life is largely devoid of joy and beauty, i remember what i am able to do, for both myself and others. i can, at least in little ways, try to improve the material conditions other people live under. i might not have the same freedom as to how i spend my time and money as those with more power than me, but ive got enough of both, at least right now, to do something for those who are worse off than i. sometimes it is really hard to try, but framing it this way is one of the things that makes me really want to; want to try, that is. sometimes i feel like i don't try hard enough to appreciate both the little beautiful things i am so lucky, frankly, privileged, to see, and i don't try hard enough to help other people, but... i do try, in my way. and this post is a good reminder to keep trying.
well actually idk "beautiful" is the right term, profound might be more appropriate, but you understand my message i am sure
by sam; ; Report
yes i get you, and thank you for the comment because you touch on the guilt thing and its like, i think guilt and hopelessness is what leads some bystanders (meaning people not directly effected by something) to take a more central or misanthropic stance on these types of issues (if not ignoring them outright, "ignorance is bliss"). but what right do we, the bystanders, have to let feelings of guilt and/or hopelessness stand in the way of doing something? when like... we are literally free to help in any way we can, even if that's just talking about it and making people think about it. im broke asf and i cant get transporation to any sort of physical aid/protests/whatever else which is why im so vocal about it online. its the very least i can do, along with keeping myself informed
by ♡ jovi 🐹; ; Report
yeah, i agree that the sense of hopelessness that emerges from guilt --- and that feeling guilty about it, in general, is not productive --- is antithetical to improving anything. i think that and the sense of guilt in the first place are attributable to the very individualist perspective we are accustomed to holding (and thus by design within our culture) cuz i think... no, i know, that a lot of people who may feel totally hopeless and guilty feel that way because they realize they benefit from the prison system, they benefit from racism, and this makes them very uncomfortable, because they are thinking of it in terms of their status as an individual and not them merely belonging to a socially constructed class (eg being white). and, i mean, other people, who arent white, have theorized on and discussed the subject better than i ever could, with more depth than i ever could, so i know im not exactly adding anything that hasnt been said time and time again or anything that i think youre not already aware of, but i think people individualizing these structural problems and seeing them as insurmountable and not something that could one day be dissolved with enough collective effort honestly just makes them benefit from it more cuz they dont try to challenge it at all at that point
by sam; ; Report
^^^ exactly
by ♡ jovi 🐹; ; Report