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Assalamualaikum, gang! This is Mary's week three Ramadan update. I welcome those that are regulars and new readers alike! Dengan ini, Mary's Ramadan week three: triple unfiltered.

First of all, I want to express just how much I love this flipping blog. I can truly get my thoughts off here without anyone judging or reading really, 'cause as much as I love you 'guys,' I’m just talking to myself here, teehee. Anyways, this is the one place I truly let myself go and relax for once. I love it here; it reminds me of a nice mountaintop cabin with a stunning sunrise. Let’s dive further into this topic, shall we?

Usually, in my day-to-day life, I hold back a lot. Actually, I hold back a lot in general—whether it be my thoughts, facial expressions, emotions, body language, or anything under the sun really. Especially my voice, though. I think a big part of why I hold back is because I don’t want to be misunderstood. I feel like my thoughts move too fast, like a train with no stops, and if I actually let them out, people might not get it. Or worse—they might take it the wrong way. It’s like my mind is this huge, unfiltered brainstorm session, but my mouth has this strict editor that’s like, Nah, keep that one inside. And I don’t know… maybe that’s why I feel more comfortable listening. It’s easier to react, to adjust to the moment, than to risk putting something out there that gets misinterpreted. In reality, I’m a big freaking yappa like Shanice. One thing I started to notice is that it takes me such a long time to get comfortable with a person… like a long time. But when I’m comfy, there's no boundary under the sun with me! I’d go to the edge of the world with you, for you, and I’d invite you there with me. Like my classmates—Sarah, Orkid, Prissada, Solehah, and Regine. Gosh, I love them to death. And now they finally see the real me, hihi. I’m really quite goofy, and yk what? Maybe I don’t talk a lot at all cause all the spaz that comes out of my mouth is bs lol. Pure nonsense hehe. But that’s why I love my friends; they let me… hell, they love me being weird and goofy. I just need someone that accepts me and gives me space to be me, basically. And someone patient enough to bear with me. It truly just takes time.

And I love that my friends yap, so I can listen and react appropriately, 'cause my mouth isn't for yapping — it's for spewing nonsense. Lowkey, I want a bf guys... I want someone that yaps a lot so I don’t have to yap. I love listening, so also someone that doesn't mind me not yapping a lot. When I do yap, I go completely off-topic LOL. My thoughts don’t translate to things I think I should say aloud. I’m scared sometimes it'll rub people the wrong way or that they’re not niche enough to get the joke. But I’d love someone who's a good listener too. When I do talk, it’s sometimes for advice or just a nice little mental-moral-hypothetical conversation.

AND OH MY GOSH! I nak somebody yang goofy jugak. Like I can't be the only one breaking my back being goofy pooks, carrying the both of us. You gotta make me laugh, laugh at my jokes, laugh with me, laugh at each other, and be able to laugh at anything cause that’s me. I just want somebody that can match my energy and balance me out fr. Is somebody gonna match my freak? That was a lot lol, but it was nice to get off my chest. I’m just here, waiting for someone who can keep up... or at least laugh trying.

GUYSSSSSSSSSSS OH MY GOSH. The third flipping week of Ramadan is over! I can’t believe Ramadan’s almost over. This Ramadan felt different. Maybe because it’s my last one as a high schooler, or maybe because I’ve been more reflective this time around. Fasting has never been hard for me physically, minus the occasional extreme kambing craving. But mentally? I feel like every Ramadan teaches me something new about myself. Like, what actually matters? What habits do I want to carry beyond this month? It’s wild how we go from feeling like we have all the time in the world to realizing — nah, time flies.

This Ramadan, I feel like I learned how to appreciate stillness. Just being present, sitting with my thoughts, and understanding that I don’t always have to be doing something. Sometimes, just being is enough. That’s why I love this blog. I can just journal, process, and reflect on what actually happened this past week. Do you know it actually takes a big chunk of time to finish writing all this? So forgive me for the late updates. Whenever I write this, I just feel present. And I can’t believe these little secret blog updates are about to end. I’m gonna miss this so much. I think this is the type of shit I wanna show my kids. This blog feels like a time capsule. One day, when I show it to my kids — it's proof that yes, mommy went through the same existential crisis every teen does.

We’re at the edge of childhood, where nothing was too serious, and staring at adulthood, where everything suddenly feels high-stakes. Insane. Supposedly feeling like we should have our entire lives planned out. And that everything is supposed to be figured out. But really, not everybody is blessed with that sort of vision. Heck, even some with a grand life plan end up far off their visions. As Allah had a different plan all along — the best plan. I’m grateful to be surrounded by teens my age that don’t put me down for not having my entire life planned to my retirement, but also those that don’t just shove it off like it isn't important. I’m surrounded by teens who uplift each other in the only ways we know how to. Like just being there for each other and going through it all together, i.e., exams. I love my classmates. Yesterday I wished I attended our Iftar, but I couldn’t. I wish I had been there to feel the warmth in the room, but seeing the smiles in those pictures was enough to fill my heart. And seeing the pictures made my day. Everyone looks comfortable and happy. I feel such love for each and every one of them. Like yes, I do appreciate you, and our class wouldn't be the same without you.

YALL, ALSO I FINALLY GOT MY PIZZAAAAAAAA. It was so good, and I gobbled down like four slices. But a few days ago, we were supposed to eat kambing. TAPI TAKDE REZEKI. ARGHHHHH. Takpe la next time. WHO IS KAMBING BLOCKING ME?! I need my daily dose of that juicy goodness. Like, I’m grateful to Allah for creating kambing, but I’m seriously starting to feel victimized by this shortage. Another thing I love in life? Kambing. Again, I’m so grateful Allah made you and that we can eat you!!! I feel bad for them vegans lol, but more for me! SO LIKE MY KAMBING CRAVING HAS NOT BEEN SATIATED. I’m craving it so bad like gimme kambing rn thanks. Kambing is my ultimate test of patience this Ramadan. Like, I’m about to write it in my Ramadan goals: Have more sabr… unless it’s about kambing. To all the vegans out there… I respect you. But also, I’m eating your share of kambing. With love.

Okay, lastly, guys, I’m not tryna be one of those relationship-desperate types. But… who’s gonna be my NADP+? Like, listening to that biology lesson lowkey made me tear up LOL. That poor little electron — passed around, drained of energy with every stop — until it finally reached home. NADP+. The final resting place. And honestly? That lesson hit me right in the feels. I just sat there like, Damn… where’s my NADP+? My home. My NADP+. Together, they complete each other, creating something beautiful… life. The process of photosynthesis. So life can go on for this little plant. I’ll be patient. One day, InshaAllah, I’ll find my final destination too. My NADP+. And together, we’ll complete something beautiful. Until then, I’m just an electron out here getting passed around. Life is photosynthesis, babes. But how do you know when you’ve found your NADP+? How do you know when someone isn’t just another electron in the chain, but your final stop? I think about this a lot. Like, will it be obvious? Will I just feel it? I don’t need some grand, dramatic love story — I just want someone I can exist with, the way NADP+ exists for that little electron. No force, no pretending. Just belonging. Someone who doesn’t drain me but makes the whole process of life feel right. I don’t need someone to complete me, but I want someone who fits. Who clicks. Someone who, at the end of it all, I can look at and say, Yeah. This is home.

And speaking of that, one song comes to mind when I think of that: Chemtrails Over the Country Club by Lana Del Rey. It's hauntingly beautiful, romantic, and nothing heavy. What I love most about this song is how it balances light and dark, the beautiful and the eerie. It’s not the kind of love that demands attention; it’s the quiet, steady kind that sneaks up on you. It reminds me that not all love has to be intense or overwhelming. Sometimes it’s just… existing together, breathing the same air, and that’s enough. A flowy beat to support you, accept you no matter what you do. That’s the kind of love I want — the kind where we'll always be there for each other, through thick and thin."You're in the wind, I'm in the water, nobody's son, nobody's daughter, watching the chemtrails over the country club." It’s about being untethered, free from expectations, but still finding a sense of home in another person. Like, no matter where you are, you're connected. It's not about grand gestures; it's the quiet comfort of being understood. No matter where we are, who we are, we're still together — existing together, loving together, and experiencing anything together. And isn’t that what life is? Just vibing with someone through all the chaos — the chemtrails, the storms — and growing together? The song feels like an ode to accepting change. You don’t have to fight it; you just… exist with it. I’d play this at my wedding because it’s not about fairytales; it’s about reality. It’s about loving each other in the simplest, rawest form. No perfection — just existing together. And that’s the kind of love I want. A love where we just... exist together, growing throng all the chaos. I'll patiently wait for him, trusting in Allah's timing.

"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy" -Surah Ar-Rum 30:21 

Erk I think I overshared yet again. Oh well, life's too fleeting to not give life to your thoughts. That’s all for this week’s update. Stay safe and stay healthy. Love y’all, mwah! As per usual, stay tuned for next week’s update, which is also the last. Assalamualaikum!