Trauma

When I became of the age to start dating, I never had a healthy conversation. The internet was there but I only used it to play World of Warcraft. Smart phones weren’t widely available. I had a flip phone and an iPod. Any information I got were my peers. My family never had discussions.  Because of the lack of information and my low self esteem, I was prone to gaslighting. 

 

I’ve forgotten many things from my high school days and early 20’s, and it’s probably for the best. It was one of the worst high schools to go to in my opinion. (fun fact: 1 year after I graduated, my high school risked losing their accreditation.) What I do remember is at my time of low self esteem, I’ve been gaslit many times and they’ve worked. When I caught my past partners doing things they weren’t supposed to do (many, many times) they would all find a way to turn it around and blame me. “I looked up all these nasty things, but that was when I needed you the most.” “I may have cheated on you three times, but you thought about moving on.” So many years, I’ve accepted the pain and shame of their terrible actions. 

Looking back at how far I’ve gotten in my own journey, I wish I had a guide and someone I looked up to, but that’s now not under my control. I know I was shaped this way for a reason. What matters now is that I am breaking the cycle of letting “boys” telling me how I should feel bad about my emotions.  I am accountable for my feelings, no one else. 

Back to my lesson of today’s interaction, what caused me to write and reflect about my history of being gaslit, it was a carelessly worded sentence that seemed like the speaker was telling me sorry that you were offended. The sentence would have a different meaning if the word “if” were in the picture. It’s probably not a big deal, but like I said before, I have a new defense barrier. Words have to be carefully crafted interacting with me. From my point of view it sounded like another guy judging me on my emotions. 

Perhaps most people haven’t made it to this point of my story, my lesson for day. Some may think that this was silly and pointless. No. This is a lesson in emotional intelligence.  It’s important to be in tune with your mind, body, spirit and that includes your emotions. It’s important to be aware of how your body reacts to situations to prevent your boundaries constantly being crossed, to prevent any form of abuse. Know your worth. You set your value on yourself. 

In conclusion, how I handled my situation is that I told the person that I am accountable for my own reactions, told them I was moving on from the conversation, and ended it. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal, maybe it was. I’ve reflected on the situation by writing this, now I’m going to let it go and get some sleep. Emotional intelligence...don’t neglect your feelings and emotions. Honor your feelings. How you feel is natural. (I’d make some sort of science reference if i were actually knowledgeable about it...something like every action has a reaction? Doesn’t make sense. Forget it...heh heh)

Whenever you feel strongly about something, do what I do. Take a moment in a place where no one can bother you. Reflect on it. Ask yourself why do you feel this way? Think of solutions. Find a creative outlet to release that energy (writing in my case). Let it go. Take any actions you feel that are necessary. Such as, if you miss that person, just talk to them. Release the fear, release the outcome. Put your situation in fate’s hands. Life is sort, we’re getting older. Great rewards come with great risks. If it fails, you know it’s not the right direction. There’s no more questions and what if scenarios.   

Alright I’m just rambling now. Good night world.