TrApPeD bEtWeEn dYsPhOrIa & dYsMoRpHiA, bUt StIlL mE 😩💔

tHrOuGhOuT mY lIfE, i'vE bEeN aT wAr WiTh My OwN rEfLeCtIoN—fIgHtInG bAtTlEs I nEvEr ChOsE, hAuNtEd By WhIsPeRs ThAt ArEn'T eVeN mInE. 💀 eVeRy CoMmEnT, eVeRy InTrUsIvE tHoUgHt, EvErY dIsToRtEd ImAgE iN tHe MiRrOr... iT aLl CaRvEd ScArS iNtO mY mInD. & yEaH, i’vE sTrUgGlEd—wItH mY bOdY, mY iDeNtItY, mY oWn DaMn SeLf. 😶‍🌫️

bUt WhAt KiNd Of StRuGgLe, eXaCtLy? 🤔

yEs, I'vE qUeStIoNeD mY gEnDeR. yEs, i'vE lOoKeD aT mY bOdY & wOnDeReD wHaT iT wOuLd Be LiKe If ThInGs WeRe... dIfFeReNt. 🫥 bUt It WaS nEvEr EnOuGh To MaKe Me SaY, "tHiS iSn’T mE. I nEeD tO cHaNgE." gOd, No. 🙅‍♂️ My MiNd’S a MaZe Of wHaT iFs—wHaT iF mY bOdY wAs DiFfErEnT? wHaT iF i DrEsSeD aNoThEr WaY? wHaT iF i LeT mYsElF bE sEeN aS sOmEtHiNg ElSe? bUt At ThE eNd Of It AlL, ThEy’Re JuSt ThOuGhTs, FlEeTiNg GhOsTs ThAt NeVeR tAkE fOrM. 👻 I'vE nEvEr FeLt ThE nEeD tO aLtEr WhO i Am.

bUt DySpHoRiA iSn’T tHe OnLy DeMoN i’vE fAcEd. 🩸 BoDy DySmOrPhIa WrApS iTs ClAwS aRoUnD mE jUsT aS tIgHt. i StArE iNtO tHe MiRrOr, dIsGuStEd At ThE rEfLeCtIoN sTaRiNg BaCk—tOo SkInNy, ToO wEaK, tOo WrOnG. 😖 My ArMs FeEl LiKe ThEy BeLoNg To A sTrAnGeR, My HaIr An UnFiXaBlE mEsS, StRaIgHtEnEd To ThE pOiNt Of DeStRuCtIoN, OnLy To Be ShAvEd AwAy In A dEsPeRaTe AtTeMpT tO sTaRt OvEr. 💇‍♂️ iT’s An EnDlEsS cYcLe Of NoT bEiNg EnOuGh, Of WaNtInG tO dIsApPeAr & rEbUiLd MySeLf FrOm NoThInG. 💔

& yEt, DeSpItE aLl Of ThIs, I kNoW wHo I aM. 😶‍🌫️✨

I aM cIs, eVeN iF mY mInD pLaYs TrIcKs On Me. 🎭 My OrIeNtAtIoN? hEtErO. i’vE oNlY eVeR lOvEd, KiSsEd, wAnTeD hEr. ❤️‍🔥 ThE iDeA oF aNyThInG eLsE? iT mAkEs My StOmAcH tWiSt In A wAy I cAn’T iGnOrE. 😵‍💫 My BeHaViOrS, ThOuGh? ThEy ShIfT lIkE sHaDoWs. SoMeTiMeS i MoVe ThRoUgH tHe WoRlD lIkE tHe BoYs ArOuNd Me. OtHeR tImEs, I sLiP iNtO a DiFfErEnT vErSiOn Of MySeLf, BlEnDiNg SeAmLeSsLy InTo ThE cOmPaNy Of GiRlS. DoEs ThAt MaKe Me GeNdEr-FlUiD? MaYbE. BuT i DoN’t SeE mYsElF iN lAbElS, In CaTeGoRiEs, In PrE-mAdE iDeNtItIeS.

I eXiSt In A sPaCe BeTwEeN, wHeRe I cAn Be wHoEvEr I nEeD tO bE wItHoUt BeTrAyInG wHo I tRuLy Am. 🖤

CaLl Me YoUr BeSt FrIeNd, ThE oNe YoU tRuSt WiTh YoUr SeCrEtS. 🤫 CaLl Me ThE gUy YoU hIt ThE gYm WiTh, ThE oNe YoU jOkE aRoUnD wItH, ThE oNe YoU pUt EyElInEr On At MiDnIgHt JuSt FoR tHe HeLl Of It. 🎸 My PrEsEnCe Is YoUrS tO iNtErPrEt, BuT aT tHe CoRe Of It AlL...

I aM mE. jUsT mE. & tHaT sHoUlD bE eNoUgH. 😶‍🌫️💔