VENT//NSFW

am i a freak? like genuinely. i have like no empathy, my boyfriend's cat is about to be put down like right now theyre at the vet as im typing this and i just-- dont feel anything?? im just saying the same "im sorry" "you cat is so cute, shes so sweet" "im so sorry baby" but i dont feel anything. i love her to death, i love my boyfriend-girlfriend-whatever the fuck i swap between them for them bc he's not a man or a woman and she doesnt mind whatever im off topic

im also a freak in the sexual sense, im attracted to weird kink shit like tentacles and monsters and noncon and aliens, im into objects like my gameboy, my body pillow, i like cnc and pain and being held down and struggling like wtf am i just a horrible vile thing because of this?? I WANT AUDREY 2 FROM LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS AND BILL CIPHER (NOT A HUMAN VERSION) AND THE FUCKING DUNE WORM, am i just fucked up.

is it because of my trauma that im such a degenerate? is it all that one faggot's fault that im a reprehensible monster in my own mind? that every time i get aroused i nearly immediately feel nauseous and guilty and want to sterilize myself? and i just sit there, horny and scared to do anything about it because im gonna end up thinking of things that arent normal.

ughh fuck thi fuck you jack fuck you everyone who touched me ever in any way sexual or platonic or accidental