letter 3; november 2024

November was an interesting month. While we spent the latter half of October getting to know each other better over text, it was only during November that we began hanging out together in person. I remember that you got me a conch from your trip to Sabah and I kept it on my study desk. Sometimes while studying, I'd zone out and just stare at it and think about how beautiful it is,. I watched my feelings blossom for you as the month progressed, growing stronger by the moment. Hell, I put on a dress to study chemistry with you, I would've never done that in a million years even if someone forced me to. I remember when I instinctively tried to hold onto your hand that day, pointing out couples who held hands while we walked together to the mall. I remember Parvin making us take a picture sitting next to each other. I remember your hesitation. It was only our second time hanging out by ourselves, after all.

On a later date we went for karaoke. I remember us holding hands when we sang Moonlight. I remember you hitting the griddy while we sang Symphony. I remember your "I love you,, as a friend ofcourse" when we ate at Jardin's. I remember the side hug you gave me when it was time to say goodbye. It was a cute gesture. 

We started calling each other often too; playing roblox or just talking to each other over the weekends and I'd await every call with bated breath and hated saying goodbye :(. 

November was so eventful and we began getting a lot closer to each other. I might not have a recollection of every small thing we did, however I remember how I felt, every time I talked to you, every moment I spent with you, it felt like my heart was going to explode out of happiness. That's all I ever wanted; to spend time with you, to be with you. It felt as if a serene ocean started to surge into numerous tides because of a new moon, as if a volcano began to erupt because of gentle magma and if a star fulminated to litter the sky with stardust. My insides felt warm and bright, warm enough to survive the coldest of nights, and bright enough to guide the blind. My eyes would never be bold enough to meet yours and that was a fact you often teased me about as the months progressed. I remember that you'd often ask if I never looked at you in the eyes because I thought you were too ugly to look at, but honestly the reason was quite the opposite. I think you're so incredibly handsome, beautiful from both the inside and outside. If I were to look at you, my heart won't be able to survive the emotions you'd stir inside of me. Often times when I did attempt to look you in the eyes, I'd instantly divert my eyes, covering my face or looking the other way. These were all feeble attempts at hiding the blush I'd acquire by merely glancing at you. To hold eye-contact with you was akin to generating heat from ice-utterly impossible for me without melting. My feelings for you at that time were quite intense after all. 

The fact you liked me seemed so surreal..that a part of me refused to believe that it was true. My thoughts plunged me into delusions of this being a case of unrequited love; that you didn't like me at all, despite us spending so much time with each other. This thought made me miserable because I would've traded the world if it meant that you would view me the same way I viewed you. However, in a way I was being wary because while I did have an intense crush on you, I was still careful, awaiting the moment you'd change your mind or you'd leave me stranded in the vortex of my own insanity. I was also incredibly afraid of you, still (I have this weird tendency of avoiding people I like..), often running away if I saw you coming. However, no matter how much I ran, I would always arrive back to you-you who never left me. 

While my feelings for you were certainly intense, I was cautious when it came to labelling them as a crush, a case of limerence or love. I wasn't sure if I loved you just yet-'love' is such a strong term that I was scared of misusing it to identify my feelings. However, as November came to an end and December came along, I finally had a definite answer to my predicament.