Juniper

Sometimes she wondered how a girl so perfect could ever like her. Maybe that’s why she stopped talking. Sometimes she wondered what she had done to make her stay beside her, even at her worst. Maybe that’s why she stopped coming over.

Juniper was the only friend she had in a while. Five years passed since she last saw Juniper. So she grew up a little, but she barely noticed the changes because time was slow but she was impatient and distracted. So sixteen came in a little earlier than she would have liked. Sixteen, as any other age feels like to a girl, came with many ups and downs. She sat at the dining table with her parents, the cake she had was the warm pink of strawberries and cream and she went to bed with contentment and presents both lying close to her heart. She missed the days where she and Juniper celebrated together, sharing both joy and sorrow. 

Somehow the more time passed between them, the more she could remember. It was like she was being haunted, she was afraid. The little details that made Juniper the way she was stood out to her more. Unwanted visitors entered her mind gifting memories, refusing to go away. The pure curve of her smile, the radiance of her periwinkle eyes, the gentle rhythm of her voice. She could almost hear it now; she was certain she would not be surprised if she was there with her that very moment. But of course not. 

“Where was Juniper then? Why does she matter now? Why can’t I move on? Why I am so attached to the past? Why is it so difficult?”

There was no point of asking these questions if she couldn’t answer them. She blamed herself and forced herself to forget and fall asleep. It took her a while but she did it. Her dreams answered one of her questions. She saw her friend and realised that she too, had changed for the better. Juniper was living in a new place, with a new life. A little luck and she could finally find her. Her dreams then told her where to start.

School started a few days later, but she was glad this time. A new school, a chance for people to see her in a different light. She tried to be the ideal girl infront of them. No one would hurt her by asking untruthful questions ever again. But how was she ever going to concentrate, as a plan circled around in her mind, a plan to get back the childhood she had once lost? 

At lunch she found a table at the corner of a staircase. However she was greeted by a group of people who felt bad to see her all by herself, yet they never really wanted the effort to make her a friend.

One of them slid his tray across the table. “You’re new?”

She nodded. 

“You’re from here?”

“Oh, no. We moved last week.”

“What for?”

She shrugged and smiled at them. She gathered her things and stood up to leave. “By the way, I’m looking for someone. Her name is Juniper.”

They raised their eyebrows and shook their heads, claiming that they had never heard of the name.

“I’ll find her, somehow.”

* * *

Back in her dorm she dragged her suitcase out and laid it open. She pulled out a file that contained an old framed photo. One of her and Juniper side by side in tiaras and frilly dresses that trailed behind them. She recalled that day, when she had broken her favourite teacup and Juniper had stained her glittery pink shoes from running in the mud. It was a good day, nevertheless. 

The clock on the wall shifted its hand. 11:59. She laid back on the uncomfortable bed in an unfamiliar room, far away from her family. She sighed and forced herself out of bed, heading for the door as the hand turned to 12:00.

She began wandering the school halls at night, and by the time the moon shone at its highest point through the dim rooms she was dazed and worn-out. “I feel so strange!” She thought to herself, “There’s a torrent of wind over my ears, like I’m standing near the sea. I can’t listen to the sounds around me, if any—"

She stopped when she saw the staircases, one going up, one going down.

“Yet, oh! How strong Juniper’s voice is growing inside my mind!”

She forgot about her hesitations and flew down the first staircase. She saw the room she came across and her eyes welled up with tears. Was it really darkness, something so black and vast it swallowed all the light that wound its way around? Or was it some human emotion, trapped here for an exhibition of what will soon come paving its way into all our very own hearts? 

With her heartbeat echoing, she found her way going up the other staircase. The heavy door opened to a narrow length of carpet that stretched on till she could barely see the end. The doors on each side began to open gradually, each of them revealing a young girl. As their laughter echoed through the hallway, they ran in and out of the rooms, holding each other’s hands, twirling, singing a song she had forgotten long ago. She tried to remember the words, but she couldn’t. Instead she stood there, overwhelmed by the merriment surrounding her. She felt someone’s eyes on her, and looked to see a girl who barely came up to her knees, staring at her as if she was a distant memory. 

“Hello,” she said, bending down to look at her face, half-covered by scruffy brown hair. “I’m looking for a girl named Juniper. Have you seen her?”

The child only looked down guiltily at her shoes. Her glittery-pink shoes. 

She realised who she was looking at: a distant memory after all.

She stood up to find another girl smiling at her, the same smile she could still remember five years ago. She was wearing the same shirt that Juniper wore before leaving. She could still remember telling her how much she loved it, and how it brought out the colour in her eyes. 

But she knew this was not Juniper at all, for she flittered around like a phantom as her voice radiated through the room, louder than the rest of the girls. “I’m sorry but I can’t help you,” she said calmly, but sorrowfully. “None of us here are the Juniper you’re looking for.”

“I know. But she is here. Isn’t she? She was the one to told me to look for her.”

The room fell silent, as the girl took her hand. Together they walked further and further, as golden lights flickered on every side of the wall. They reached the end of the hallway, as the walls closed in. And there was the final door.

Fingers trembling, she knocked.

As the door opened, she was standing face to face with a girl she had never seen before, the same girl who had been with her for nearly her whole life. Now the innocence was gone from her eyes and she looked like she hadn’t slept for days.

“Are you alright?” said Juniper. “Did you get lost?”

“I’m not sure,” she replied. “I know I am but I don’t feel like I am.”

“What does that mean?” 

“It doesn’t matter. I’ve been searching for you, Juniper, where did you go to? What have you been doing here all these years?”

She tilted her head and wrung her hands. “I don’t . . . remember. The past few years have been rather blurry, haven’t they?” Juniper reached out and placed her arm around her shoulders. “Come, we’ll go inside and figure all this out.” 

Juniper’s hand made a cold shiver run throughout her and her head began to feel heavy. She glanced at the empty hallway where no trace was seen of the children around. She wondered if she could ever see them again. Juniper led her into the room. “Do you remember all this? Look, this is our vanity and all our necklaces, this is the old fairy lantern and this is the desk where we used to paint. Here’s Angela, she’s still with me—” She handed her the doll and she ran her fingers over her lacy dress.

“I remember her. She’s grown old now.”

“Of course not. Nothing’s changed, you see?” She took Angela from her and for a while she almost realised what was unusual about her touch. It felt like the skeleton of a velvet veil grazing over her skin, something not entirely human.

She smiled. “I guess you’re right.”

For a while they sat together on the bed when there was nothing else to say. Both of them were scared to say it.

She stood up and looked out the window. The sun was only starting to make its way through the hills beyond the town, while only a few leaves danced around the streets. She had never been awake at a time like this, when everyone else was shut off from the rest of the world in their own solitude, she was standing in a place that grew more endless and distant. 

“You’re not real, are you?”

“What makes you say that? I’m here before your eyes.”

“You’re not Juniper; not anymore.” She turned back around and Juniper was nowhere to be seen. Standing in her place was the little girl wearing a blue shirt adorned with roses and a ribbon in her hair. The little girl who had led her to this very room, The girl who long gone and now only a distant memory.

“I’m sorry,” she held her head low as her face flooded with tears. “I didn’t want to tell you. I thought it would hurt you.”

“I’m sorry too; I should have known. I only wanted to talk to you one more time. I didn’t mean for all this to happen.” She stopped and stared down in silence.

“If that’s what you want— we can talk.” Juniper said. “I do have something to ask actually. Your last memory of me. Was it what made you look for me?”

“Of course. The final memory is the one that stays the most after all.”

“Well that is what you’re seeing now.” Juniper spread her hands around the room. “Almost. I tried to make it happen.”

She smiled “Thank you. Was this the last memory you remember?”

Juniper fell silent for a moment, then said with hesitation. “I think . . . that would be hard to say. But I’ll tell you about my favourite one; the most vivid I ever had. It’s not about us, I’m afraid. But I think about it every and now then because it reminds me of myself the most. Do you remember when I was on holiday in November?—never mind; that was too long ago. Well we stayed at a little hotel on a town street. When it was raining I used to go exploring and I lost my way once. I found myself in a crowded dark room, and walked around vases full of the most wonderful roses, lamps that were painted with gold and showered with beads— but what caught my eye was the simplest thing, really. On the mantelpiece was a single statue of a bird in flight. To me, there was nothing I could compare it to for it looked almost real the more I looked at it. I could almost see each wing about to take off in the wind, it’s smooth white eyes waiting for it to be let out and soar through the window, never to be imprisoned in stone again. I wanted to stay there and help, but there was nothing to be done. I know I had a piece of the bird in me. But it’s no longer with me. I stopped looking for it ages ago.”

Juniper placed a hand over hers. “You should do the same. We’ll both be fine as long as we stop talking to each other.”

“I can’t leave you here!—”

“Please, listen to me. Whatever happens do not go finding my bird. All I want you to do is to go home where you’ll be safe and forget all of this ever happened. There’s no use thinking about me . . . ever again . . .” as she spoke the walls around her grew pale and her voice echoed unnaturally, getting further and further away.

“Goodbye,” Juniper was saying now. “I will miss you, but if you ever do come across my bird, remember it flies for a reason. It’s freedom should not be disrupted. Don’t cry, I’m only trying to save you—” 

All at once the windows shattered. The walls shook and rose up to the sky where it touched the sunrays and vapourised, as the world outside caved in. Overwhelmed, she found herself running down the streets, the wind blowing through her hair as the sights around her began to blur. The breeze picked up on her arms and legs and for a while she felt like giving in and letting it carry her wherever, where she could finally sit down and think all this through. It would take ages but there was nothing else she wanted to do. 

Though she floated down the road, she had hardly taken time to look at her surroundings, for here she was in a vast land of green, where the roads were now hidden by spiralling trees and a slow stream that fell over the hills. A large cloud hung in the sky and a hazy shape was circling in and out of it, almost grazing the land as it shot upwards to a tree branch. There it was: a bird with lacy wings and feathers so light they shook at every breath of wind. It noticed her gaze on it and flew higher up the tree. 

Gently, she hoisted herself up the tree. She didn’t dare disobey Juniper’s advice, but she could not deny that this was the very bird that belonged to Juniper’s soul. She promised herself to only look at it. What harm could it do?

She held her hand out as the bird inspected it curiously, its eyes like black mirrors. “What has happened to me?” she thought as she looked at herself, her hair in loose strands over her face and her clothing in rags. It didn’t matter, for all she needed was to take Juniper’s bird back home.

“Don’t be afraid,” she consoled. “I won’t hurt you; I’m here to take you back.”

The bird gasped for air and staggered back, and she noticed its talons had caught against a twig. Without thinking, she shot her hand out and enveloped her palm around its shaking body. Lightheaded, she staggered off the tree unable to let her hand open, for all at once a wave of longing and pain rushed through her and she laid her head down on the grass to catch her breath. In her grip, the bird now fell silent as she felt weaker. She turned her head to see flower stalks towering above her, the sun had hidden behind a cloud, and after all this, she finally closed her eyes. 

She lay on the grass until the morning dew shone on her hair, until the sun set and rose again, until the flowers woke and grew around her and remaining in her hands were the feathers of a dispirited bird, its feathers had turned softer and lighter, until there was nothing left to feel.