my bf broke up w me (im doing ok dw) 3-19

so like on monday my bf broke up w me

which made me sad and upset and all those great feelings bc we both love each other so so much

and we both still do 

so he was as sad and upset as i was

the reason why was because my management of stress and my low self esteem was coming outta hand and I would lash out at my bf and take it out on him 

and he gave me chances to change and to fix myself

and I wouldn't 

I was begging to have him be with me again, which I'm not proud of now and wasnt appropriate of me to do because I wasnt respecting his decision

and that continued on to today where we met up again and talked, that he would give me a chance to be with him again by the end of spring break but until then he would do whatever he wanted to and that includes if he dates a new person, and I wasnt a fan of him even bringing this idea up so I cried and begged pathetically lol

we ended up skipping school and sitting down on a bench, we just talked abt how were handling this right now, but we were both just feeling empty. 

it felt like a teeter totter, like this idea of us being together, being with each other and having to realize that isn't the reality right now and that we are separate, and this would circle around because we would hold each other and hug and kiss

when we would kiss it didnt feel right, and we're both hella neurodivergent so it made our heads hurt

the uncertainty made us feel like shit, the maybe of us being together again was stressful to deal with and made the whole thing more difficult to go thru 

so i got home and thought about situations simular i went thru from before which help me understand how to deal with everything

so here is the conclusion i came to:

we will not try again after spring break or anytime soon

that we aren't together we aren;t dating anymore and that is a certain fact

that I'm not going to text or call or contact him outside of school

and if we do want to try again, it can only be at the end of the year

I have a therapist appointment soon and I'm going to get help and improve myself

and I can't do that if my goal of it all is to just get back with my ex 

i need to do it for the betterment of myself, bc my needs aren't being met and how am I supposed to also manage a relationship, of which has its own needs and responsibilities when I couldnt handle mine in the first place yk?

anyways Im still sad as fuck

but it helped make it more bearable in a way

song of the day:

mass anasthesia - mediavolo

they sound sm like boa

i really like boa idk

in better news im working on a zine and maybe ill post it up on here once im done ^^

ty for reading <3