the trans experience

I think I speak for most people when I say that the freedom to be yourself is one of the best things you can feel and experience. The liberation and satisfaction it brings is unparalleled, where your existence doesn't have to depend on what other like, agree with and accept. This is what I've felt when I came out as a woman - I didn't have to conform to my upbringing and the way my parents saw me, it was wonderful. But then obviously reality struck me and I realized I am only getting started...

being trans vs. being cis

After a long time, I was finally able to be honest and say I'm a woman. I'm overjoyed I managed to get out of that pit of self-deception, but now another challenges arises: I may be a woman, but I'm not cis. The way my body is shaped doesn't resemble a woman, the way my face is with facial hair and bone structure is unsightly and my voice is too deep etc. When I first realized this, I was heartbroken - there are some things about womanhood that I will never be able to experience and relate to. I have put these cis women on a pedestal, where I am merely trying to walk in their shadow. This is a negative way to think, very correct. And there's multiple things that are wrong with it, but when it's the start and you abhor your body, it's only natural to think that way. We all just wish this didn't happen, that instead we were born in the right body with the right proportions and correct anatomy. I wish so badly to not have to look at myself everyday and think "wow. everyone sees you as a man, no matter how much you work on your makeup skills and no matter what you wear." It's a difficult thing to live with. This has had an insanely negative effect on me, not only because of the obvious mismatch of body vs. mind, but also because I seek spaces where I don't have to show myself. I am hesitant to go out and make friends in real life solely because I'm so so scared of not being accepted, or that people will think I'm a creep. So naturally most of my interactions are online, which is great and wonderful because I have so many amazing friends on there of many different nationalities and backgrounds. On the other hand, I feel I have isolated myself and stopped trying to feel comfortable in person with people. It's difficult to go anywhere without stressing about how I look and how people perceive me, which might be one of the reasons I'm constantly tired. Either way, from all of this the future seems bleak, it seems I'll never be able to live with myself as I am.. unless?

moving on

I'm never negative without a reason. Whilst it may not seem so from the previous paragraph, I always strive to be a better me everyday even when things are as difficult as they are now. A while ago I saw a makeup tutorial made by a trans girl, she had a slightly deeper voice that wasn't all too feminine, her face was shaped similarly to mine and she wasn't afraid of owning it. And then it kind of hit me, I don't have to be cis to be a woman. I don't have to look a certain way, or behave a certain way, because ALL women are beautiful and unique in their own ways. Muscles, body hair, a more masculine build, no sense of style... all of these are not masculine vs. feminine attributes, but they're all human. When I made this realization, I understood that I will never be perfect and that's perfectly okay <3. As long as I'm trying, I will eventually get to the point where I'm satisfied with myself even if I won't look cis. Because women aren't confined to a box either, so why should I be? Being a woman is so much more than just how you look. We're all special in our own ways, ranging from talents, to career paths and just choices we make in our day to day lives. Of course I still feel dysphoria, I still feel like I'm nowhere near good enough, but I sure as hell am optimistic and happy that I'm making progress. I'm going to a doctor to figure out my hormones, I'm learning makeup and fashion. Things will be okay, no matter what my stupid brain or anyone else says. And I truly don't think I could have done all of this without my wonderful friends who have supported me all this time. 

One last thing I wanted to share is something my friend once told me that I don't think I will ever stop thinking about. She said "Kimi, I oftentimes forget you're not cis". And even though it was online, and she knew what I looked like, it meant the world to me. Maybe I truly don't have to be cis, what's important is that I'm true to my own womanhood and my own experiences. Hopefully my future is bright, where I can stay true to myself and just live my life how I want to, without fear of judgment or others thinking I'm not "feminine" enough. 

My blogs are usually just for myself, really. I like to have somewhere to express how I feel and talk about what's going on in my day to day life. But nonetheless, it's heartwarming when someone takes time to read what you write. If you are one of those people, thank you so much. I appreciate you. <3 

xoxo,

Kimi