letter 2: october 2024

Everything was going so well. I had friends now and I finally befriended you, something I'd wanted to do ever since I first saw you. 

However, as soon as camp came to an end, so did this short period of joy. I never expected to talk to you ever again, I thought I'd lose you like how I lost numerous friends I made in camp. 

The possibility of losing you, even at a point in time where I wasn't quite aware of my feelings for you, deeply dug into my heart. The note I wrote for you for your letter of affirmation echoes my want of keeping in contact, albeit to a much more casual degree. 

It's funny how desperately I wanted to hold onto you, while the absence of others in my life barely bothered me and yet, I did not come to the realisation that what I felt for you was far from platonic. 

It was only on the 3rd of October, when Rayyan invited me to eat with both him and you, that I realised that I had a crush on you. I remember how anxious I was when we ate together at Bungkus Kaw Kaw, how I could barely even look up at you but I could talk to Rayyan with ease.

How when you mentioned that you befriended another girl or the time when you showed me a picture of your ex, bouts of jealousy swept through my skin but I gulped my feelings down. 

And even that early on, it seemed like I couldn't keep my hands off of you-remember how I punched your shoulder while you made stupid anime noises? But, I digress. The first person I confided in about my crush was Rayyan and then Diny, Ambrissh, Krish and Parvin. Soon, a lot of my friends knew that I had a crush on you, something I did on purpose.

You see, even as early as 3rd of October itself, I knew that you would never like me back. This fact saddened me to my core and the thought of this still makes my heart ache immensely. I also knew that I would never have the courage to confess my feelings for you because I'd be too scared to ruin our friendship; something I valued more than my feelings, honestly. 

However, keeping this within me would eat me alive so, I hoped that you'd realise that I liked you, without me having to tell you that. I tried to make it incredibly obvious on purpose, putting up specific stories and leaving notes as evidence for you to find for yourself. In the meantime, any hope of you returning my feelings dwindled inside of me and I hoped that my crush on you was just a temporary one.

There were times I'd purposefully stop reaching out to talk to you, but when I didn't reach out, you would-and one way or another I stayed trapped in your web. But, no matter what measures I would force myself to take, I'd still find myself thinking of you and thinking of us. On the 12th, you gave me some brownies that you made. It was then that I told you that I had a crush on someone, but refused to give you the identity of the person. Anytime that you would ask me about his identity, I would never tell you. Instead, I would make up numerous code names for him (Mr Hydroxonium, Sir Mango Lychee, Mr Magnesium, Mr Buckminsterfullerene etc,)

I did that on purpose, to make it even easier to figure out that the person in question was you. Around the same time, my mental health began to decline and I found myself being gloomy all over again. But you were always there, listening to my problems and offering comfort on many occassions. That's a gesture I'm still incredibly grateful for, and your caring attitude towards me only made me gravitate towards you even more. 

But at the same time, it made me feel guilty of thinking of you as more than a friend, because in your head I was just another one of your friends, but for me you were everything.

On the 18th, you invited me to get lunch with you-just the two of us. In the back of my head I rationalized as just being another one of your friendly gestures and I did thoroughly enjoy my time with you :^), getting food together, then churros with ice cream; it was a cute hang out ^^
The fact we fed each other the churros and me wiping off the chocolate from your lip (the fact you allowed it to happen-) should've been a dead give away, but I still believed that this was just a friendly outing with no other feelings attached to it (aside from my own..). It was very hard for me to believe that you could view me with romantic interest, I found that straight up impossible. 

On the 21st, we called each other to play roblox together. However, before the call, weird thoughts began clouding my mind, thoughts that left me feeling hopeless. I knew that the act was up and that you knew about my crush's identity. While in a way, I accomplished my goal, in another way being rejected by you sounded like an incredibly painful experience. I really didn't want you to find out so soon, especially at a point in time when I thought you could never harbor romantic feelings for me at all. I remember keeping my camera off, citing my ugliness as a reason for it. You responded something along the lines of "You're prettier on your worst days than I am on my best days." I think about this phrase a lot. You really do harbor a sweet, compassionate soul and honestly that's one of the traits I admire in you a lot. Anyhow, I did indirectly admit to it being you and waited for your response. "Mr hydroxonium might also feel the same way about you" was something I wasn't expecting to hear at all. That night I stayed up thinking about the call and trying to convince myself that what I experienced wasn't a dream of sorts. Why would you ever even think of liking me?

We didn't meet again in October in person, because break had already begun. During this time, we bonded online :D getting to know each other better and sharing a lot of inside jokes and stories about each other. Oh, not to mention-October 31st was when you called me gorgeous and *your* mrs hydrox for the first time, which is another thing that's been stuck with me ever since =**= i swear to god, I cherish all sorts of compliments from you.

So while a sense of relief washed over me, it was quickly overshadowed by the tumultuous mixture of emotions that November had in store..