letter 1; september 2024

I still remember everything so well. I was so incredibly anti-social when I first joined college, to the point I didn't make any definite friends for a while, out of my own volition and disinterest in people. However, from within it just made me feel depressed and what made me miserable was the fact I had no one to share my sadness with. But it all changed when I signed up for orientation camp. 

27th of September, I remember being salty over the fact I wasn't in the same team as two of my other friends, to the point I decided to keep myself company instead of socializing with my group mates. As time passed by, I began opening up to people but socializing with others isn't the same as making friends with them and frankly, there weren't a lot of people I was interested in making friends with. Except one.

I first noticed you when our orientation facilitators asked us to find our group mates by mimicking an action related to the slips given to us. You were the first person I saw while searching for my team and ever since then, a faint feeling began brewing deep within me. I think I'll chalk it up to being similar to a mild curiosity but there's more to it. Sometimes I'd find myself taking glances at you and other times wherever I looked, I'd find you there. It was weird, it really was. But on the first day, I thought nothing of it. 

28th of September is the day we finally talked to each other. Us talking to one another was something I didn't think would ever happen. This made me feel bitter because out of everyone, the one I wanted to befriend the most was you, yet I'd avoid you. I was intimidated by you and I really have no good reason to provide for my timid behavior, because I wasn't shy around other people. It's really strange. But I'm glad I found the courage to talk to you because you were incredibly friendly and nice to me, something I really didn't expect. I remember how one of our friends jokingly suggested that we should date because both of us were single and how I immediately dismissed that as even being a legitimate possibility. However, her remark stuck with me and I remember thinking about it, thinking about you and thinking about our newly formed friendship for a good while after camp was over. Her remark didn't spark feelings for you in me, rather I'd say it hastened my realization that these feelings existed within me. 

A specific gesture of yours that I still reminisce about is when it was just us standing next to one another and you asked me if I still thought that you looked scary. I didn't know what to say, scrambling between a 'yes', 'no' and a 'i don't know' when suddenly you went 'BOO', effectively giving me a jump scare. And the fact we stood together when they were taking a picture of everyone that participated in the camp? Wow, I felt like I was in a movie, honestly. It was cute, you were cute and I'm glad we could talk to one another.

However, despite everything, I was sad because...