Fear

Collectively, we all fear the same set of things, what we’re born to fear and stuff. Heights: pretty unnerving, but I can handle em for the most part. Lions: I’d probably brown myself if one was in my immediate vicinity, yeah. Blood: I could handle blood, yeah, in moderate amounts. Like obviously if someone’s guts were falling out I’d freak out, but nothing too bad.

But none of these fears are really unique, it’s all stuff that we are scared of by default. The only time they’re ever brought up is if someone has conditioned themselves not to be scared of something they’re supposed to fear by default. The only fear here I think I have really overcome is the dark probably. like sometimes I'll impulsively think "jeff the killer is in the bathroom he gonna kill you" but 99% of the time i would be comfortable sitting in a random entirely dark room. assuming i'm not being kidnapped or anything bcuz that would scare me a bit of a lot

There's two other types of fear after primal fears. The one directly above are fears that I think are much more physical, like immediate threats or irrational fears (I know I don't have anything groundbreaking or smart to say okay i'm just writing)

With these fears I'm talking like a fear of snakes. or spiders, or dogs, or whatever. cars. boats. seas. Fears that manifest from fear of physical harm. If I was scared of cats and I couldn't put my finger on why, it would most likely be because I'm afraid the cat is going to bite or scratch me or make a weird sound. i can't say I have any fears like this either except for like, maybe centipedes? i don't like those things all too much and they kinda freak me out but if I was offer to handle one with the complete assurance that it wasn't going to sting or bite me i really wouldn't mind, it could crawl around my neck and whatever for all i care. also small rodents, which might sound strange because if you know me i love rats more than myself likely but i don't like small buck-teethed things piercing skin that kinda sucks

The final fear type I think of is the larger fears, existential, and things that irrationally make people feel generally upset. fear of failure, fear of isolation, rejection, this or that or this or that or that. I'm writing all of this to admit that I'm scared of fat people.

I'm Scared of Fat People

Okay no i'm not really scared of fat people. Fat people I love you don't beat yourself up literally just do what makes you happy, if people can't see through your physical appearance they're not worth interacting with in the first place and not much they say matters anyway. if I had a fat nerdy boyfriend i could die in that moment as a fulfilled and happy man. but i know the big text "i'm scared of fat people" caught your eye and that was the thing i was trying to do

A random genre of scenario that I've been thinking of every once in a while for the past few years is one where someone loses all self control over themselves SPECIFICALLY over food. I don't mean Tokyo Ghoul style or anything like that, like, becoming a monster and wanting to eat people or whatever doesn't scare me. It's just when it's about food, and maybe additionally seeing someone lose themselves to that.

If you have a feederism or fat fetish I can respect that and I don't really care but please do not proceed if that is the case it would make me a slightly bit uncomfortable. Or, alternatively, and most appreciated, read on with your head out of the gutter and with a thoughtful track of mind, i do not supply that content here and you will get any of it from me. I'm setting myself up here by whatever

It's been something that I've randomly spaced off about every once in a while. There will be a scenario where I'm making food or something for my family or for a loved one or whoever, and they'll end up liking my cooking or liking the food. Cooking/baking is something I like practicing, so obviously I would be happy to put the skills to use and serve them. But these thoughts usually delve into "what if this person/these people that I'm serving end up REALLY liking the food to the point that they just start gorging the whole pan of casserole every time I make it." I'm not trying to imply my cooking would ever be good enough to derail anyone's lives, but in these scenarios they would end up completely losing themselves, no self control.

I've made paninis for dinner, or stir fry, or hamburgers. I'd finished my helping, and as I wash off my plate, I notice that the bun bag is empty and lying crumpled, the plate of patties left nothing but a dish of grease and oil. I don't say anything, who cares. I can always make something else.

It's branched to the high pantry now, the refrigerator as well. There wasn't any bread to make toast this morning the jelly was scraped clean. They come to me, "what are we having for dinner?"

There's enough food, I can make anything I want for myself any time.

My stomach hurts, I hold from swallowing my empty mouth at every meal

I do not recognize this person anymore. I tell them that I don't want to make food anymore, it's damaging them in every way. Gluttony had ruined them entirely; aspirations likely crushed (not a pun shut up), life potentially ruined. They yell, scream, break down over my words. Sweat flushing over their face, saliva hitting mine. Tears joining in, cursing at me to make something.

Dinner is made, I have a small portion of macaroni or soup or half a plate of curry. All I hear is clattering of utensils, gasping between squelches and spoonfuls. My stomach remains empty. Spit is mixing into the sauce, their body heat can be felt from across the table. This person I loved does not exist anymore

I feel like this is a really dramatic and unrealistic scenario, but it feels so much more realistic than, like, a pit of snakes. Or a slenderman in the dark. Or the world ending. And it's most definitely happened to someone out there. I don't know, it's just really scary to me. If you are having a hard time seeing where I'm coming from than I'm probably stupid but just try replacing that hypothetical person with your mom or dad or your best friend or your partner. Blinding gluttony like that is something I couldn't bring myself to wish on anyone ever

Just so you know, this isn't something that I CONSTANTLY worry about or remain sleepless over, I'm fine. I eat food normally, and as of writing, my mom just venmo'd me money to get something doordash'd. But thinking about it has still made me upset and it's ruined my appetite a bit this evening

Another scene, a bit less scary but equally upsetting is a scene I thought of (all by myself!) of a hungry, crying toddler in a highchair in a kitchen alone with a fat dude, presumably the father or an uncle or relative, staring beady-eyed at the child as he slowly shovels down a sandwich. It's a really stupid image, and you might think it even humorous, but I don't know. Neglect and greed, I guess

There's a passage from a book I read in AP Eng Lit this year, and it stuck with me really hard just because of how disgusting it is.

"Being often very hungry when he sat down to his meals, he contracted a habit of eating with ravenous greediness. Even to the end of his life, and even at the tables of the great, the sight of food affected him as it affects wild beasts and birds of prey. His taste in cookery, formed in 10 subterranean ordinaries and alamode beefshops, was far from delicate. Whenever he was so fortunate as to have near him a hare that had been kept too long, or a meat pie made with rancid butter, he gorged himself with such violence that his veins swelled, and the moisture broke out on his forehead."

- Thomas Babington Macaulay, "Samuel Johnson"

And we read that in the first month of this year. What a banger, huh

Eating is so gross dude. Why do we do it like that. Like why cant we just put it in our stomach in one action. But noooo we gotta chew it and let our saliva give it the leeway to slide down into the stomach and then we gotta let ACID break it down and then we gotta let it do through a thousand-foot-long tube and have it come out of a butt and if it wasn't good for us it gotta come back up with all the juices and acid and torn bits of food and saliva and we gotta let it spray out of our mouths, where we ate it. God when you make the new humans like humans vX.0 or whatever, like evolutionary after us, can you please add a hatch with hinges that just drops that thing down into the stomach and it does its thing without us having to see it. and while you're at it give everyone gamer posture as well

hey hey the door dash came back here's the food. I lied it hasn't gotten here yet, but here's a picture of the meal, I'll upload it when it's in my hands and on the table

hey i'm back i just ate it all and watched jerma it was so good im not even kidding im full to bursting it was very protein filled and good for me. quinoa, chicken, sweet potato, crispy onion, and veg slaw and hot honey mustard! talk about freaking yummy

Conclusion