school and other things that suck (first blog!)

siIiIIiiiiIIIIIIIIIgh.

sometimes i wonder why high school exists... well, i know why! it's because they don't have the time to bring their teenagers to work with them, let alone the trust to let them stay at home alone. but... still... i really wish i didn't have to go! i would probably be super ultra mega depressed without school, but at least i wouldn't have the burden of 12 essays due by friday on my back every week, and words being thrown at me that i don't even understand... T T

i was practically raised in the french school system, while being in america at the same time... plus, i lived in africa for four years, so recently when i transferred to the american public/private school system, i've decided that i HAAAAATE IT! well, okay. the french system wasn't any better, but it's all i had known for a good chunk of my life! all these american "quarters," "community service," "intercession," (????????????????) "credits," "SATs," and the terrible grade system... I. HATE. IT. i hate having responsibilities, from the bottom of my heart, but even more than that, I HATE MANDATORY RESPONSIBILITIES! i hate working so much, i'm worried about how i'd even be able to have a job without immediately quitting! is it so bad to just... not want to work? apparently it is, but WHY? why is it weird to not want to do hard work for years on end, and when THAT work ends, I HAVE TO DO OTHER, LONGER WORK! 

no thank you. i would rather die. the concept of writing a resume is so nightmarish that even thinking about having to write one eventually ruins my day. why can't school just be about learning cool things that you didn't know about, and stuff that interests you? WHY do i have to sit through hours of lectures, as all the fun in education is drained out of school every single day. and WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CAN I WRITE AN ENTIRE MULTIPLE-PARAGRAPH BLOG BUT NOT MY ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE ESSAY? i'm convinced there is something wrong with my brain. 

a couple months ago i searched up executive dysfunction online and the similarity of the symptoms and me were disheartening. why can't my hands just switch to the tab where my essay is and WRITE? nobody knows... another thing, why is it so hard to make friends? and better yet, why is it even harder to make friends that actually spend time with me? why did God, when making me, decide that i should be extremely unsuccessful in relationships? i mean, at least i have emmy, but am i selfish for wanting more than one person who's close to me? same thing with online friends. surprisingly, every single one that i befriend either turns out to be a horrible person, or they're just... well, mean.

because of all my misfortunes with school and friends and the fact that i am definitely not going to survive any kind of office work, i've decided that that's why i want to become an idol. because at least idols don't need a PhD to dance around sing and act cute! but of course there's a downside... you have to be PERFECT. i mean, i've seen the hate campaign directed towards wonhee of ILLIT, and it confuses me... first of all, they're mad she's childish, but isn't she a child? why do they want her to act like an adult when she's not? and the rest of the reasons for the hate don't even make sense, so i won't even try to explain. i feel bad for wonhee though. if i ever saw her, i'd give her a huge hug (if she let me ^^; ). don't netizens ever learn that their harsh words are the reasons for some idols' suicides? i swear, they never learn. 

anyway, it's not just a pipe dream i have. i've been in singing groups for most of my life, so i don't see how i couldn't become an idol. the only thing that's stunting me is... well, korean... i'm not good at languages, and singing, especially rapping in korean is HARD. seriously, who decided they needed that many syllables in their words? another thing that's stunting me is the fact that people are harsh when it comes to idols. if i'm not perfect, i could get mass hate campaigns just for smiling wrong at somebody... i don't think i could handle that environment... T T and i also don't think i could handle dancing for 12 hours straight without a break, but maybe with training.... 

anyway, that's what feels like the easiest job for me. i can sing, i can kind of dance, and i look good enough for the job. the fact that you don't have to even have a high school diploma to be an idol is what's selling me... plus, it'd get me a free ticket out of school! which sounds PERFECT! i'd dance for a whole day straight if it meant i could skip out on high school and college and a horrible job for the exchange of being loved and singing as a job... it sounds amazing... i know it's a hard job too, but i'd give it my all, and i rarely enjoy doing that ever.

the bell ending lunch rang... so i have to go... i think that's enough typing anyway.