my recent thoughts

How strange the point that i am in my life where

Where I’m full of fake peace that all of the medicines gave me. That strange peace makes me give up on everything I once dreamt to do one by one. Not feeling pleasure from anything but not feeling unpleased either. Maybe its just tiredness or weariness towards life.

This feeling is leading me into some kind of depression where I dont want to exist and find existing pointless. All I do is mistakes everywhere I go. Logically, if Im not doing anything good, not making people laugh or pleased, not making myself joyful and pleased, only thing I do by existing is making everything worse. I only bringed problems to people and thats why everybody was tired of me at some point. 

Most of the people find me challenging in the first sight. The way my mouth curls, the way my eyes looking darefull was all of their excuses. But once i start to talk, they found me quite chill and away from any energy. Thats the sight i want atleast to be seen with. And if they get closer to me, Theyll found me cute and full of life and silly. But if they decide to keep get closer they will find a monster. Atleast thats how it felt for me. The way they act was like someone who frightened or disgusted. At that point, most of the people tries to tolerate it but couldnt achive that and end up getting away from me.

Now to think, what did i do wrong? most of the people around me didnt even comit to phase 2 which means they see me as some grumpy self-centered blondy. Is ıt really about my hair or eyes? or my voice what irrates them? Is there something i could change? I want to be loved. 

Not like i dont like being lonely guys. I love loneliness too. Sitting in my room and doing my hobies is my favorite part of the day. But theres difference between being lonely and feeling lonely. You could be surrended all of the people around you and could still feel lonely. But right now, I experince both. Theres no one to invite me to meet up and im not saying thats the thing that’ll make me happy ever and thats not the only reason to feel lonely. Its way more complicated. But still, things like these make me think.

Maybe I’m just being noisy. Nothing really matters.