as my dad sleeps next to me

it's 10:56PM and i just want to clear my head.

it feels like i need to talk about something, but i literally don't know where to start. not a lot has happened lately. i was, however, thinking about a recent interaction. yesterday, a middle schooler recognized me from my band, and she think's i'm the coolest person she knows. i think hearing that both healed my heart and put it on edge. part of me has always wanted to be famous, but i hate the idea of cameras always on me. people watching constantly, y'know? it made me think about my band's future. i don't know if i'll make it very far with L.O.T.U.S. as it is right now. i know i'm gonna be known some day, but i hope it isn't globally-renowned lila.

on that note. i still don't know what i want to do with my life. i love playing guitar, and part of me feels called to that. maybe it's my ticket out of here. not like it's terrible where i am. just.. doesn't fit. it's weird.

[heads up, general tw for past mention of mental health struggle]

i was thinking a couple days ago about how it's a little over seven weeks till i turn sixteen. i audibly said "didn't think i'd make it this long," and that made me so sad. it's true, though. never saw myself making it to sixteen. seeing myself in the present is enough to handle, i guess. i can't really see myself when i'm older now, either. difference is, i'm not depressed and suicidal as of now (thank god). just clueless. sometimes it feels like everyone else knows what they want to do with their life, and i'm left out of it like it's some inside joke. 

[end tw]

it feels weird to be perceived. people know me. people i don't know. hell, if i get famous, people i will never know will know me. it's all so foreign to me. i've always tried to hide from people as a kid, maybe that's why. how do celebrities do it? feeling cameras on them everywhere they go? i'm sure there's a fleeting joy in it. a sense of pride. a time to soak up the spotlight, and a time to despise it. 

it kinda feels like i've hit a brick wall. not physically-- mentally. i've been on a songwriter's block, and we've barely written a single song in LOTUS. i don't really love it either. god, there's lots of tension between us. i've been neglecting assignments, too. i think i hit my peak a while ago. 

it's spring break, though. i have time to rest 'n rejuvinate, cool off, and maybe find some artistic inspiration. 

hopefully, it won't go by too fast. :)