fandoms and feeling left out; a continuous saga

Entry 3: dang i'd love to be rich right now

Date: March 16th, 2025 (again)

i honestly can't remember a time where i wasn't in some sort of fandom. ever since i first joined the internet at the ripe age of 11, I've always associated with a fandom in one way or another. for a while it was the one direction fandom. then, 5 seconds of summer. once 2016 hit, i was into anime. give it a year and now i'm into kpop. cut to 2025, and i'm still into kpop, but mainly just in the zerose (zerobaseone) and orbit (loona) fandom. i feel very happy here supporting my top two favorite groups. one thing i really love about the fandom space is the sense of community i get. it feels so nice to be surrounded by people who love these idols just as much as i do, and who spent as much time listening to their music as i do. though as much as the community i'm around is nice, it does have its downsides, which are mostly a personal issue.

see, i'm not somebody who easily gets a job, despite my big age. i had a job for a while there, but then i had to quit due to work shortage and just...haven't been able to get employed again since. i've had some outside help with surviving up until this point (yes i still live with my mom be quiet), so it's not like i'm suffering. but with the lack of job opportunities i get, comes the lack of fandom opportunities i get. concerts come to me once in a blue moon, and i hardly ever buy albums anymore. it's not that big of a deal that i can't buy these things since they aren't necessities, but it does hurt a little bit whenever i see all my mutuals going to every new concert that comes to their area, or the collectors who are always awaiting a new photocard. and this is what today's entry is about.

i tend to feel less than as a fan, very often. what i mean by that is, i compare myself to those who can financially support being a fan, and i deem myself as less of a fan than them since i don't have as much to prove it. i'll give a good example.

i joined a group chat recently for zerobaseone fans that live near me. we've been talking for a couple of days and its been nice, but once we got into concert talk, i suddenly felt...not so happy anymore. a couple of them had already traveled to korea to attend their fan concerts, many of them had traveled to la for kcon multiple years in a row, and pretty much all of them had zeronis (their little mascots). don't get me wrong, i'm extremely happy for them all, and i'm glad they all get to live their adult lives happily. i know they all work extremely extremely hard for their money, so i'm overjoyed that they get to be happy and make their hard work worth it. but as somebody who has: never seen them in person, never traveled outside of the country for them, and does not own a single piece of zeroni merch, i felt quite left out. nobody was intentionally leaving me out of course, but despite everything, i still didn't feel like i belonged. they had all met the members, been noticed by them online, and had big collections dedicated to their ults. it was very impressive and super awesome to see. however, compared to them, i don't have much to showcase in terms of being a fan. i''ve been a fan since boys planet, and yet i only own two actual albums and three digipacks. which i'm more than proud of, but compared to everyone else, it feels like nothing, even if i'm happy. 

i understand this isn't something i should be spending any of my time worrying about, but man, when everybody around you seems to be better fans than you, it just stinks. i don't feel any anger or negative feelings towards my friends or mutuals, don't get me wrong, but i really do wish i could relate to them. 

i remember i was talking to somebody who also shared the same ult as me once, and they had seen the group in concert multiple times and had a huge collection. it almost made me feel like i didn't deserve to call myself a fan like them, since i didn't have anything like that. while typing this out, i realize how goofy i sound. but this truly is how i feel on a daily basis. i don't feel like a good fan. not for my ult groups, and not for any group. every time i see somebody whose entire account is dedicated to one group, they've always seen them in person multiple times, have met them online or in person, have been noticed online, and have huge collections where they own every piece of merch in existence. its always so impressive to see, but it just stings since i can't give my ults that, too.

yes, i have gone to concerts, and i do own merch that i'm very proud of, and i have been noticed by some of my favorite idols before. i do not want to downplay any of that. i'm very happy with the collection i own, and with the shows i've attended. i just have an issue where i always compare myself to everybody around me, both in fandoms and not in fandoms. and it causes me a lot of distress. i do feel like part of it has to do with the fact that interactions and big collections = lots of attention in online spaces, since that's what most outsiders seem to value nowadays, but that's a rant for another day.

i want to have a huge collection with every piece of merch. i want to see all of my ults during every tour or convention. i want to meet them in fancalls or fansigns. i want to feel like i deserve the title of fan. i really do want it. and trust me, i don't just want it for attention, i want it because it would make me finally feel like i deserve to call myself their fan.

before i end this, i want to point out that i personally do not think that having all their merch and attending every concert only makes you a true fan. i think as long as you truly love the idols and their music and support them in your own way, then you're a fan. no amount of merch or interactions makes you more or less of a fan than somebody else. i've just always had this complex because you always see big accounts getting all these opportunities to be best friends practically with their ults and it makes me question if the people around me truly see me as a real fan or if they don't, since i don't have as much as the others. honestly speaking, this could all be solved if i lived my own life happily and stopped caring about what imaginary people online cared about, but that's an issue that will take a long time to solve. for now though, i'm just going to uplift myself by being more appreciative of what i do own and what i have experienced, and go from there.

if you made it this far, i hope you won't be like me and rank your fan levels based on how much merch you own or don't own. the only qualification anybody needs to be considered a fan is love for the idol. that's really it. even if you own no merch, have never seen them live, or can't afford fancalls, you're still a fan as long as you love them. i'm gonna work on believing that myself, too. 

and with that, cinnamorolls is out~