being happy feels wrong

For months it's been becoming harder and harder for me to get out of bed. At first it was just difficult to get out of the house in time, then it got hard to even get out of the house at all, then out of bed at all - you get the gist.

Now, for the past 4 days I've made it out of the house - and mostly on time for where ever I was going - successfully, and it feels weird.. I've been diagnosed with depression multiple times in the past year and it feels strange that suddenly it was so easy for me to do shit for 4 days in a row after being in an absolute slump for months. It feels wrong, it feels like I'd been living a lie for the past months and years, like I'm not actually sick.

It makes me want to sabotage myself into being back in that slump, which feels even more wrong. Something in me wants to prove to myself that my depression is real.

The past 4 days, making jewellery with my friends, spending all 4 days with my best friend and actually feeling accepted and loved for who I am,, that actually managed to make me feel happiness for the first time in a while, but I feel like I don't deserve this, this is not who I'm supposed to be,, I was never supposed to have success. I thought I was unlovable but I guess there are people that actually like me and idk what to think..

I forgot who I am outside of my depression and I kind of don't want to know.