Um

Okay so guys basically I've been not so good lately. Like im never actually good but last few weeks have been rough anyway. The thing is i cant tell my friends because idk I dont want them to have the idea of me in their head to be changed to one like this and I cant tell my bf bc i dont want him to know in general because he'll worry and I don't want him to also have that idea of me and it's kinda embarrassing. I'm 17 now so I'm too old to go to cahms like a lot of doctors have told me to do. I wouldn't go back there anyway they literally told me therapy doesnt work on me so they gave up and kicked me out. Anyway, I had another doctors appointment over it and saw a different doctor this time that actually asked better questions and didnt brush me off. I had asked to speak to a psychiatrist before but they would keep sending me to pyschologists and stuff. Like I don't want some random group therapy when one i wont speak in it anyway and two i literally just told you therapy doesnt work for me. I say I just want a dignosis which is why I want to speak to a psychiatrist in particular so they can just assess me and give me an answer because every time I speak to someone else they start feigning sympathy and always like 'it isnt your fault'. First of all, I never said it was my fault so dont just assume I blame myself. Second of all it literally is my brain thats causing the problems so it pretty much is my fault. Its like when I tell anyone anything and i prefix it with oh yeah this is how I feel and I know its just my way of thinking and nothing else but its hard and theyll always come back with 'yeah youre just overthinking it and being whatever its just in your head'. Like I know it is I have just told you that and youre not listening to me.

But anyway rant over. BAsically I hate being jealous and controlling and dramatic and its my problems but I cant control it. i was also just one mark of an A in my psychology test the other week I hate my life