march 16th, 2025

Just like I do with my handwritten diaries, I wrote a first entry and abandoned it... I'm back and I still think I need to think and talk about everything I can feel. 

I've been trying to open my friend circle but all I seem to attract are doubts and convenience. I hate todays morals and ethics, when did we choose cool people over authenticity? Everyone does it all for them to post a picture on social media sites. I'm sick of this facade everyone has built around them to show people how they wanna be, not what they are.  

I've been searching for authenticity; and found it in the most unexpected places. There is this one punk i've been talking to for a week, and he gets me. He gets what i've been through, he gets my jokes, he gets my references and he gets my view on life. It feels odd to think I share all these fears and dreams with a guy with a mohawk. But that is the way it goes. And I think I love it: unexpected things always appeal to me. There is nothing that i love more than the absurd twists of life, fate or whatever the fuck this is. It never crossed my mind how being so different we could share something else rather than music. He is the most pure thing i've found lately and it is ironic describing him like that when his band is called Stink. I've found myself immersed in this never ending conversations about live music and hippies and values and bass players and animals and DIY. It feels so refreshing to talk about something new, something to believe in.

As much as i feel like a cold breeze of air is lifting me up towards the clouds, i'm afraid we are testing our boundaries a bit too much. Things really do not need to be this complicated but i have this urge to be as fair as possible with feelings because they are powerful, they move us inside and inspire me. I don't want to be mean to somebody who wasted its time reading the bullshit i write to make my solitude more bearable. I won't behave like the crowd just because its convenient and easy. Maybe I should stop asking myself what is right and what is wrong, go with the flow. I do have a hard time letting things go. 

Maybe it's high time I get myself go from everything that won't serve me anymore and i start doing what i feel like doing, not what i have to. All this shitshow it's too short to be giving a single fuck.  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust (hotter the fire, the greater the lust). 

So remember out there somewhere you got a friend and you will never walk alone again

I had forgotten how much gratitude i feel when i sew letters and pain. I hate people who don't know how to hate.