musings of a 17 y/o girl - #2 (CW: Religion)

*If you are religious, please do not debate with me on anything or even refrain from commenting at all. I understand how it feels to see a certain belief that opposes your own, and the anger/discomfort is prominent. I do not want to argue about God or religion right now, I am just writing my thoughts here to blow off some steam. For the rest of y'all, thanks for reading!

Today is Sunday and I don't want to go to church. My whole family are devout christians, we pray every morning & night and go to church every sunday. As a little girl, I always felt guilty about being bored at church, not retaining any of the scripture, and feeling like a fraud whenever I prayed. I mean, there were times where I've felt it is my duty to "live in Christ", but deep down the act never resonated with me; I was just scared of admitting it. I've picked up a number of bad habits throughout my life that had once made me guilty of calling myself a Christian, and in 2024 I tried my best to "resonate with God". I remember being 11 years old, getting baptised for the first time, hoping and praying that 'special' water would somehow absolve me of all my sins. Spoiler alert, it did not. I still fell into bad old habits and I asked myself: "Why isn't God helping me stop?". As time went on, I realized it all comes down to self control and self discipline. However, if that is so, is it not me who put in the work to counter bad habits instead of God?

Early 2024, I tried reading my bible, tried praying, and even tried listening to 'non-secular' music. I was hoping I'd hear the "voice of God" my family always talked about. I was hoping to 'speak in tongues' like my parents and other members of church would do. I did not hear his voice, I could not speak in tongues. I tried, and failed. I felt like a 'faulty Christian', whenever Christian centered videos would pop up on my feed, I would be nervous and anxious. I avoided watching Christian videos because of how much they mentioned the "rapture" and things of that nature. Praying felt nice at the time, having the feeling that there is a higher power watching over you felt nice at the time, but I couldn't "give my life to Christ", I did not know how.

It was not until November 2024 when I came across a video talking titled "Bible Trivia" or something like that. I did not know what to expect, so I clicked on the video. It spoke about the many contradictions in the bible and made me wonder why it had so many. I watched more videos from the channel, which turned out to be an atheistic channel, and became hooked. They spoke about all the fallacies and the violent stories within the bible, and I began to be skeptical of this religion I was born into. This was when I began my journey into agnosticism. I just could not understand why I should live my whole life preparing for an afterlife that promised paradise, an afterlife I don't even know exists or not. As well as hell, the concept of it sounded so banal and "earthly". It had always been described to me as a bottomless pit of fire, but how could it be so if fire only exists on Earth? It feels as though a lot of thought wasn't put into this, in my opinion (no one considered extraterrestrial phenomena?) Perhaps it would be because it was a man made book. 

Wow, that's my first time admitting that out loud. But yeah, my dad's screaming at me to get out of my room so we could head to church, so I can't finish this blog. Maybe I'll make a continuation at an indefinite time. This is my first time writing such thoughts down, and I couldn't say as much as I wanted to. I'm sorry if it feels as though I'm jumping from one point of the story to another. Anyways, in truth, the whole idea of devoting myself to a being that I'm not sure exists or not for the whole of my tangible life felt unappealing & exhausting. I could have chosen to become a nondemotional Christian, which at times I wonder if I should, but for now I feel like being an apostate/agnostic is the right fit for me at this point in time. 

I do not want to go to church, sigh . . .