you're in my head, gtfo

cw // mentions of self harm

Missing someone is one of the worst feelings in the world. It's when their absence becomes so present in your life that it starts hurting that you're not together. It's when everything is suddenly about them that you could look at anything and relate it back to them. It's even worse when you're not supposed to be missing this person. 

So, for backstory stuff, I have an ex that, to be honest, is not a good man. He was my man though, for at least a few months. If I have to be fair, I was asking too much from someone who was notorious for giving too little. I made it my goal to "change" him but he changed me more than I could for him. It's completely my fault for falling in love with someone so unavailable, but at least I was in love, and for a while, he was too. He wasn't perfect, by any means. He made mistakes (a lot, actually), and he could very much blow up at any given moment should I say the wrong thing. I was always tiptoeing around glass shards, trying to make it work, trying to piece together the fallen glass shards and make a functional mirror - except a functional mirror is still a broken mirror, and every crack reminded me of how broken I was with him. I was even broken more without him.

It's funny, how I could be so stuck with a person so out of it barely weeks in after our separation. Distractions work for the most part, making me feel like he finally left my mind, but once the initial euphoria of his absence wears off, the pain comes crashing back to me 100x more. "Why are you so hung up on him even though he hurt you???" I don't know. Probably because he was a lot of my firsts. Probably because he was the one I cared about having and losing the most. Probably because he genuinely just made me feel so loved that him being gone left a gaping hole in my heart. Everything doesn't make sense to him, and I'm fine with that!

It's been two years since we got together, and it's been about a year and a half where all my friends either had to realtalk the fuck out of me, cry with me, deal with me crying about him, and even cut me off for a short amount of time. Actually, I did manage to cut him off for about nine months or so. Life was hell in those nine months and I tried falling in love with others but I genuinely couldn't love anyone else like I did for him. The funny part is how I got into contact with him again. We go to the same building at school and what do you know? We both got into the same bathroom at the same time and we stood together at the sink washing our hands and I felt just how much he wanted to reach out at the moment. So I did it first! I unblocked him on all social medias and made targeted posts and what do you know? He broke no contact. December was a wild month for sure, and it only got worse during January - when all hell broke lose for me.

See, I struggled with self harm for weeks when we broke up (the first time). My whole left arms was covered in cuts and when I was asked about it by my friends, all I could reply was "siya kasi eh", which in English would roughly translate of because of him. And like, I got over that phase pretty easily once I learned just how pathetic I was about it (and I didn't have thoughts of serious sh after it), but January of 2025 made me feel even more pathetic. For context, he struggled with ED as do I, so while we were in contact JUST NOT in real life, he texted me one afternoon that he was hungry! I replied and the whole conversation basically boiled down to, 

"Please come with me to eat this." (him)

"Okay." (me)

And so I went to the mall with him, ate out lunch with him, and basically had a date with him. The night I got back home, I was lying crying on the bathroom floor with scissors on my right hand. I went absent to class for about a week and basically was just either lying on the bathroom floor or my bed, barely eating anything and my left arm, thighs, and my stomach bleeding from cuts. 

I didn't really think of this as something of a pity post for me. I just needed to let out how frustrated I am about how he's still bothering me even after the fact. AND the fact that I let myself get bothered by him! I know it's my fault, so if he ever finds this... stay away from me, please?