Ame’s Maybe Poetry Book

So I’ve just discovered I can write very strange and cryptic free verse poetry.

And as a horror author / professional sad person this gives me far too much power.

So naturally I’m dumping it here! Enjoy.

First Poem

I’m angry.

I’m hateful.

I scare people off.

I bare my teeth at my own peers

Because I’m alone and I don’t know

What I’m doing.

I’m scared

And I bite the hand that feeds me.

I’m shallow

Yet I care too much.

Caring hurts me

So I pretend I don’t care

Which hurts others.

I’m stubborn because I’m scared

To lose myself

And now you’re mad

Because something I think is incorrect.

I can’t form my own opinions

Because when I voice them

Even if they’re mundane

I’m suddenly on the wrong side

And I’m embarrassed.

I’m wrong to one side

Yet I’m also wrong to the other,

I don’t know where I’m

Supposed to be.

Do I even belong anywhere?

Or am I trying too hard?

I want to create.

I want to impress.

But everyone’s afraid and now

They don’t care and honestly

I’m always so close to giving up

Because I don’t see a point anymore

And I’m trying

I’m fucking trying

But maybe that’s the problem.

When will you realize that I’m one of the people

You’re so afraid of.

The Bumblebee

Everyone is scared of the bumblebee

They all think it’s mean

And hateful

And unkind.

Everyone hates the bumblebee

They think it’s a pest and they

Want to knock its nest away

So it doesn’t bother them again.

Everyone ignores the bumblebee

They think it’s just an insignificant

Little bug when it’s really

Trying its best.

I’m sorry if I scared you

Or made you feel hate

Or didn’t do enough to be interesting.

The world is just so big

And scary

And bright

It hurts my eyes 

And it hurts my heart

And it hurts to live in it.

I’m sorry if my existence is

Inconvenient or annoying

Or frightening or boring

I just want to gather my pollen

And make my honey

In peace.

Can I please do that

Just for today?

Illness and Longing

I’m sick.

I don’t have a cold, or a virus.

I’m missing things.

There’s not enough iron in my blood,

Not enough water in my veins,

Not enough air in my lungs,

Not enough food in my stomach.

I’m barely scraping by.

I’m weak, sometimes dizzy,

I don’t know what’s happening around me,

But I have to keep going anyway

Because nobody will help me.

I’m mentally sick, too.

I’m so scared that I want to throw up,

So sad that I want to rot in my bed forever,

So angry that I want to carve someone’s heart out with a steak knife.

I’m lonely, and I don’t think anyone cares sometimes.

Why should they?

I’m just a smudge on the grand painting of the universe,

Just one pin on the board.

My creations simply float in the abyss,

Destined to be appreciated only by a few,

But never enough to be memorable.

Sometimes even the people I hold the most dear

Feel so distant, as if they have better ways to spend their time.

They probably do.

I wish I didn’t always put so much energy

Into something so pointless,

That nobody puts their own time into.

It’s probably for the best.

Who knows what might happen if I have a sense of self worth

For more than a few days.

I’m sick.

WASHING MACHINE HEART

I know who you pretend I am.

I know who you pretend I am.

I can’t get anyone to even acknowledge me without

Their favorite person being in the middle and then

Once I let go and fly on my own I’m suddenly

Useless and worthless and my name is already

Carved into stone and when I try to join them

They all run away and hide and ignore me but

When their person is there it’s suddenly the

Best place to be and

IM SO FUCKING TIRED PLEASE JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH ALREADY

CAUSE I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE NOW LISTEN TO ME AS I SEETHE

ONE DAY YOU WILL LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES AND REAP WHAT YOU HAVE SOWN

AND ONE DAY PEOPLE WILL KNOW ME THEYLL KNOW MY NAME AND MINE ALONE

AND WHEN THEY DO ILL SHOW NO MERCY TO THE ONES WHO DOUBTED ME

I KNOW WHO YOU PRETEND I AM.

I KNOW WHO YOU PRETEND I AM.

Symptoms / Regret

“A strong fear of abandonment.

This includes going to extreme measures so you're not separated or rejected,

even if these fears are made up.

[Don’t leave.]

[Everyone leaves.]

“...such as believing someone is perfect one moment

and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel.

[I thought everyone was wary.]

[Ive been hurt, of course I can’t trust anymore.]

“Quick changes in how you see yourself.

...as well as seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist.

[Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’m dreaming and this will all go away.]

[Just a really, really bad dream. Please.]

“...can include periods of being very happy, irritable or anxious, or feeling shame.

Ongoing feelings of emptiness.

[Consistency is a lie.]

“Inappropriate, strong anger, 

such as losing your temper often, 

being sarcastic or bitter,

or physically fighting.

[Violence feels better than just sitting and doing nothing.]

[Letting people walk all over me like a doormat.]

[As if I’m worthless.]

[No matter what I do it doesn’t help.]

[If I let my guard down at the wrong time something happens.]

[If I keep my guard up something happens.]

[If I let myself be happy something happens.]

[If I let myself be upset something happens.]

[The world is a song and nobody’s told me the melody.]

[Just handed me the sheet music, never taught me how to read it.]

[I shouldn’t slip back into harmful habits but hating and withdrawing is safer.]

[No one can hurt me in my bubble yes they can.]

[Maybe tomorrow I can feel safe enough to try again.]

雨 - Rain

The rain is a fickle thing

Sometimes it’s gentle

But sometimes it’s like a raging typhoon

Destroying everything in its wake

Laying waste

Flooding dams

But I don’t think it’s the rain’s fault

It gets pushed and shoved by the wind

And everything piles up, up, up

Until the sky falls

Up, up, up

Until the tears fall

Until the town’s evacuated and

It’s all alone again.