i love things that are bad for me

i think ive been addicted to destroying my life ever since i was a young child tbh. i dont remember the last time i properly valued my life but it was probably around 10/11 and honestly i think part of the reason i love self-sabotaging so much is because of that reason. even then ive always been a huge coward and full of anxiety so i never did anything too risky, but the more time goes on the more i just want to make bad decisions for the hell of the experience or whatever. theres just something so addicting about ruining myself and ik its bad and it feels like shit but the more i do it the more i feel like i cant go back and anytime i try to help myself i feel like a fraud. its so much easier to focus on eating less and less and watching myself fade away and just hoping all my thoughts and my memories will just disappear like the rest of me but all i'm doing at the end of the day is giving myself literal brain damage and destroying my psyche. i started cutting myself at age 11 and i havent been clean for a full year since. ive still never truly been satisfied with myself because everytime i hurt myself i feel like i need to go harder and harder to prove a point. it's like life is just a huge fucking competition but no matter what i do it's a losing game , i just want to get worse and worse because i sure as hell cant get better and even if i did what does that say about me? about all this time ive spent suffering and self-loathing. skipping school, destroying all my personal relationships, its just like payback to myself for living but all i do is make life harder for people who 'care' about me and make myself an inconvenience for others.i wish i could just shrivel up and die without bothering anyone. i just wanna get high all day and lowk someitimes smoking is the first thing i do in the morning n i gets to the point where i cant rtell if im high or not sometimes. its just weed but tbh id be lying if i said the thought of trying other drugs isnt enticing (i probably never will though at least not soon) it just feels like until im in the hospital dying and tubed none of this is ever going to amount to anyrhing. hurting myself is the only thing in my life that ive had control over and been able to do well and i still cant do itnnbidfkeinsdk and atp it got to the po9nt where i literally just dont gaf about what happens to me like if i get hit by a bus or something ill be completely fine with that. im just like fuckin freeballing atp and killing myself slowly 🤑