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Assalamualaikum, gang! This is Mary's week two Ramadan update. To all of those who stayed, ILY, and I’m sorry for the slightly delayed update. For those who are new here, welcome! Without further ado, here’s Mary's Ramadan week two: unfiltered.

I’ve been listening to this specific song on repeat lately—legit just gonna dedicate a whole paragraph to it. Champagne Coast by Blood Orange. This song speaks to all of me—my heart, body, mind, and soul. The feeling I get when I listen to it is pure bliss. It’s dreamy, hazy, like a half-remembered summer night, which is pretty much every night here in Malaysia. The synths melt into the beat, and the vocals are soft, almost teasing, like they’re drawing you into something just out of reach. It makes me feel peaceful and relaxed, like sinking into someone during a cuddle. But there’s something else too. A quiet longing. A nostalgia for something I can’t quite name. Like I’m missing someone—someone I haven’t even met yet. Or maybe someone I’ve already lost. I don’t even know. All I know is that I’ll probably have this song on repeat until it stops making me feel like this. Lmfao.

Okay, so my week went like this. On Monday, my girls and I won the dispute over the highly sought-after biology lab seating. Sarah and I went to the biology lab right during recess just so we could chop tempat. And lord, I’ve never felt more victorious. By the time biology came around, Sarah and I were seated, and Nik, Yohant, and Naseem baru masuk. It was too funny the way we said lambat ah masuk to them. But my victory was short-lived... Tuesday came, and Sarah and I literally went to the lab an hour before class, putting our notes down. But when it was biology time, Yohant ran to the lab, and this bitch flipping moved our notes. I was fuminggg, cause that’s basic manners, cam tissue pun cukup untuk chop tempat. But you know what? It’s not that deep. This ho actually said kalau nak chop, kena ada dalam lab baru boleh, with all the sweeping Ls on the floor. Aduh. Anyways, I actually really enjoy Erickas place at the other table. So, I’m gonna pretend that I’m devastated at the fact that I can’t sit at the boys’ table, but I’ll enjoy Erickas place hehe. It’s colder there and much more spacious. Don’t tell the opps I said that.

Lol, this one’s random, but my kitten lari masuk rumah legit the second my dad opened the sliding door. So I had to get this gremlin out, and he was beneath the dining table. I bent down trying to reach this ho. I got the gremlin, and I proceeded to stand up. LEPEHTU BOMBOCLATT. My head banged dekat bucu dining table. It hurttttt. Because my dining table is fat as heck, and the corner is detailed and designed, AND it bends downwards, so literally like bullseye, I kena hentuk. I skipped school the next day ‘cause of it hehe. So, worth it!

Next, the baju raya dilemma. Ugh, so many options and so many to choose from. But it was decided that we’ll be wearing yellow again. Lore drop: it’s cause my brother didn’t get to wear yellow last year, so the fam’s wearing it again. Why, you may ask? That’s for me to know and for you to find out. Anyways, I bertungkus lumus la cari online. Finally narrowed it down to two choices. AND OMG, I ALREADY BOUGHT IT HIHI, I WENT TO THE STORE, SO IT’S LITERALLY HERE, WITH ME. Hint: It’s... jk, the ones who’ll see it are the ones who deserve to see it during Raya nanti. Also, off-topic but I’ve been seeing so many videos of husbands and wives going baju raya shopping. L.O.R.D. When is it my turn? I high-key want somebody that can make decisions for me. As in when I really don’t know what to choose, which is 23/6 (not 24/7) basically. I just slim down the choices to what I want, then you pick cause I really can’t make decisions without consulting like 5 billion people, sorry. So, if I trust you enough to do that, that’s like the sexiest thing to me. Like, yes, be my brain, thanks.

Okay, TMI, so I’m getting my period soon based on my Flo app. And gosh, I hope that’s the reason why I haven’t been pooping. Like babes, I’ve been stuffing vegetables upon vegetables down my stomach just to poop. AND FRUITS TOO. But twas all for nothing. AND I’M SO FLIPPING BLOATED CAUSE OF IT. But thankfully, I finally pooped this morning, teehee. After like 3 or 4 days....

BRUH, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S THE END OF THE SECOND WEEK OF RAMADAN ALREADY. Like, hello? At this point, it’s just one more week til Raya, cause the last week of Ramadan legit passes in a flurry. That’s actually insane. And I’m gonna miss this Ramadan specifically. Like, it’s my first and last one as a 17-year-old. And hihi, I wanna thank my brother so much. ‘Cause he sent me to tuition one night, and I was wearing my usual pink pants plus shirt combo. But he tegur me saying that girls aren’t supposed to wear clothes that resemble guys (e.g., pants). So he said, “Pakailah jubah, tak ke senang sarung je.” And well, I love my brother, so I listened. And I love it. Honestly, I feel much more comfortable and feminine, teehee. Also, on the topic of teguran, I’m so grateful that I have men and women alike in my life who tegur me. I sometimes fail to realize how much of a blessing that is. And especially if it’s the men—my dad, brothers. I feel so safe and like looked out for. Cause they actually care and pay attention to me. And it’s like, I don’t really have to think, especially with my brother. 

Gosh, no, actually like, this segment is an appreciation post for my bangah. His presence feels like a steady force. When he’s around, everything just feels a little safer, more certain. He’s masculine in the best way—not just with his actions but how he makes you feel, I swear. Like, I don’t have to pay when I’m with him. I don’t have to carry bags. He leads the prayers, he talks to me nicely, and he tegurs me and jaga my aurat fr. Like, to all the women who don’t have stable men in your life, literally I feel so bad for you. It’s actually amazing. And I feel so relaxed if my bangah’s there, cause I don’t have to think much lol. Like ordering food or just anything, I don’t even have to talk to other men or people. Thank gosh. That was so Islamia of me, AHAHAHAHAHHA. No, but you don’t get it, it’s like I feel treasured, and it fuels my self-esteem so I have a sense of self-worth. I’m also praying my brother gets rezeki to marry someone frrrr. Like, guys, my brother’s a gentleman, okay? And he’s funny. I just wanna see this dude happy. He’s also not the type to talk to women, cause idk, he just doesn’t have any women in his life except for the fam, so that’s why he’s a single Pringle. Legit, it ain’t him that’s the problem, it’s just he ain’t in the market. So I pray that Allah has something good in store for him in the soulmate section. Amin. AND UGH, MY BROTHER HAS BEEN DRIVING THE FAMILY AROUND SINCE HE WAS FORM 2. FORM 2, OKAY, HE DROVE THE FAM BACK TO KUANTAN. Like, what the heck? He told me that when I was ranting about how daddy wouldn’t let me get any form of license until after SPM, better yet, after I’m 18, he told me that "awak kan perempuan, kalau bangah ada, takyah nak drive." Same goes for my sisters. Meaning HIS WIFE WOULD BE A CERTIFIED PASSENGER PRINCESS. PURR. And he said that I could learn to ride a motorcycle with him and Abang Ihsan after SPM, but only with them cause, duh, takkan gue nak merempit with a stranger. Anyways, teehee. AND HE’S GOOD WITH HOUSEWORK. LIKE, HE KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE A HOUSE AND ALL THE RESPONSIBILITIES IN IT. Seriously he's one of a kind. Okay, next week, I shall do another sibling appreciation post.

Guys. WHY IS MY SLEEP SCHEDULE SO MESSED UP. Siapa santau I ni? Like, be so fr rn, I wake up at 5:30, and even if I don’t sleep in the afternoon (rare sangat tak tido tho), I still fall asleep minimum at 12-1 am. Takpe lah, ni dugaan Ramadan kan? But lately, I’ve been falling asleep fast but late. No room for overthinking to take over. Just darkness. Scratch that. It’s vibrant, with my dreams.

Which leads me to my next point. TELL ME WHY. SETAN DAH DIIKAT, but my dreams are soooooooooooooooo weird. Like, huh, I had a dream sequence with almost 5 different plot lines and locations. IN THE SAME DREAM. So idk, gang, do I need to go to the sheikh or ustaz for a tafsiran? I’ll just go to ustaz fiqh then, jkjk. BTW, I can’t update on this week's dreams cause it’s too much. Like, I forgot to write it down as it was just jumbo mumbo tumbo. Legit couldn’t categorize and arrange them for shat. Literally everything, everywhere, all at once.

Oh lastly, I’ve been struggling with AddMaths, truly. Like, my dad scolds me for my performance dropping in my homework submission. And looking back, I’m grateful that he cares. But I feel like I’m slipping, and that the world is moving too fast. Also, that’s why I regret so much announcing my grade to the class during physics. Like, that extra pressure. I like to think that I do well with pressure. But when it comes to people pressure, I hate it. Like, I can feel those beady eyes looking at me whenever it’s paper related, especially now since my mark was an okay mark. So now I’m expected to maintain it, and I feel like I’m slipping. I honestly just want to use midterms as a nice fresh start where I tell nobody what I got. Esp since there’s pressure to maintain my last paper’s mark. I’m not saying that I’m significant in others’ minds when it comes to grades, no. It’s just the feeling when someone recalls what you got for the last paper and is eager to know what your current mark is. I hate it. Ik, I’m crazy in general, but I really like my stuff private, especially when it comes to grades. Cause I put enough pressure on myself, now I need to deal with sticky hands trying to reach for my paper mark. Lowkey wanna retract myself from this school just to start fresh. So if I actually tell you my grade voluntarily, ohhh youre special.

Okay, lastly lastly. I’m gonna end with the butterfly again, cause I miss it. So last Thursday, while waiting for my sister to pick me up from school, I saw a butterfly flying to this flower pot at this house’s lawn. And I followed it, getting close. It was still and peaceful, so I watched. Waiting for when’s the next time I’ll see my butterfly again. And Ramadan hasn’t been the same without that special person. My butterfly. I miss you and I cry for you. I hope I’ll see you in my dreams again if I’m blessed enough. If I ask you to come back to me, would you? Or would you go to someone else as you don’t have much chances? And if it was you that came to me, was it really you? Why me? Was it out of pity? To comfort me, knowing I needed that more than I knew myself? Or was it just a reminder that I lost you, but you’re never gone forever? I don’t care if it’s selfish to want you back. No one will replace you, ever, in my heart and soul. Not even death will keep us apart. The butterfly, like a fleeting dream, flitted into my life, only to vanish before I could truly hold onto it. Yet, its presence lingers, like the faintest scent of a flower that once bloomed.

“For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” — Surah Ash-Sharh 94:5-6

Whew, that was heavy, but what better way than to end with a bang. That’s all for this week’s update. Stay safe and stay healthy. Love y’all, mwah! As usual, stay tuned for next week’s update. Assalamualaikum!