a silent driftaway

Separation without ever being conjoined 

It makes no sense really, to miss something I never experienced 

I want a loving relationship, I miss it 

But I never had one

Oh how lonely a shower is, a nap, a dull Sunday morning 

There is no hand to rub my back when I cry 

No one to cup my face so softly you would have thought I was made of glass and extremely expensive 

And there never will be 

Can t you give me pity and be that person to me?

Show me the actions with no intentions 

Gazes with no emotion 

Give me nothing and let me delude myself into thinking it is mutual 

I swear I’m good at it 

I don’t care for self-preservation, let it destroy me 

Let me scream out of your shit car into the night about how my life is over

For it will never have love again 

Not that it ever really did, oh how real love would destroy me 

If I ever experienced love truly I might just die at its separation

I’d have a real thing to miss not my spoon feed delusions I use to justify my massive time waste 

Let me waste my time on you

Let me spend hours meticulously tweaking my appearance for only a quick glance 

Or a call to cancel 

Let me spend my hours shopping for handcrafted treasures that fit your hand and neck oh so well

Pay no mind to the idea of equal exchange, I’m hardly a person anyways 

Someone like me only can experience love through delusions, living vicariously through our partners and praying to a non-existent yet cruel god that the roles will switch 

And rue the day it does 

For I am undeserving.