Feeling unwanted....

Have you ever had these sad thoughts that come in your mind that likes to control you? One frequent thought that loves to come up in my mind is that I am unwanted anywhere I go. It can be irl or online literally anywhere I am. Probably once or more a day I get a thought that no one cares about me and that no one actually likes me. I constantly wonder do other people ever have these thoughts like I do???

The answer is definitely yes. I know a lot of other people struggle with this problem like I do. It can be so soul crushing and very awful for your mind and body. You can have so many people tell you that "omg I love hanging out with you" or "I love talking to you and having you in my life" and at the moment it can relax your mind. But the second you feel unwanted your mood can change so fast, and it is very very exhausting. 

I know people enjoy having me in their lives, but I cannot help but always have this thought in the back of my mind constantly. For me, I feel like I need some kind of reassurance throughout the day to get my mind at ease. But then at the same time, I find it sometimes hard to believe people cause what if they are just being nice to me because they feel bad??? 

These thoughts happen a lot to me, and I wish I could stop them fully, but I'm not sure if they will ever go away? Like feeling unwanted for me can happen so fast. Like if I am talking to someone and they do not respond how I thought they were going to respond with, I am like "damn they must be annoyed by me" and I know that is not true, but I really can't help myself from thinking that. Or when I am talking and no one responded to what I said, boom, mood ruined. 

Parts of me likes to think that people enjoy my presence and like having me around, but then I get hit with this wave of thought that is like hey you are actually annoying to everyone, and they are tired of you, just stop trying to talk because you will never be important to anyone's life. I wish I was important in someone's life and that my presence actually meant something to someone. Also being heavily introverted on top of all of this is AWFUL cause it is already so hard for me to open up and talk to people as is. And with this feeling it makes me feel pretty awful because why am I so reliant on someone's judgement on me when I have a hard time with people already??? Does this make sense? Oh well. 

Anyways, I apologize that my first blog was very very sappy, but I finally was able to write how I felt for years now, and it feels good to write it down and let it all out. I hope one day I can get out of this cycle and live my life normally and be happy when I talk to people and not have this itching thought trying to ruin my day.