a girl who has never written a blog attempts to write a blog

Entry 1: i have no clue what i'm doing. with a side of rants about change.

Date: March 14th, 2025

the title pretty much says it all i fear...sweats

i'd be lying if i said i was never interested in trying out blogging. i always thought it was a really cool idea, but the idea of putting myself out there like this has always been kinda...scary. i mean, it's not like i'm really putting myself out there, since its just words on a screen and you have no real idea of who i am, but as someone with a weird fear of strangers on the internet perceiving me, yeah. you can imagine why this freaks me out. but still, its never too late to give something new a try, right?

honestly, the past few weeks have been filled to the brim with me doing things that freak me out. i won't get too into it in this blog entry, but trust me when i say its been a week. i can't lie though, i'm quite proud of myself for pushing myself to do things that i've spent the last 8 months convincing myself i wouldn't be able to do. though, i have to admit, its very...scary? somehow. seeing myself change so quickly in front of my very own eyes has been a lot more freaky than i had expected. maybe it's because i'm so self aware? i don't really know. but the past couple of days have filled me with a lot of anxiety and it's...confusing. how is it possible that positive change can be this anxiety-inducing? i mean, i'm finally working my way towards my ideal version of myself, and yet i feel this fear in the pit of my stomach whenever i notice the healthy things i'm starting to do naturally. change is so weird...the brain is so weird...everything is so weird...sigh.

moving on from that mild crisis, there are plenty of positives coming out of this! like, i had a job interview the other day and now i have one next week, which is a big deal. i also have an outing with my friend at the end of the month where we're gonna see a concert movie for my favorite kpop group! i'm so nervous about that though because i've heard it's emotional...hoping the theater is filled so people don't notice me most likely sobbing. on top of that, i also might be seeing artms next month too! my first concert since 2023...we cheered. seriously though, none of these things would have been possible if i didn't take a chance and push myself to get over my fears, so therefore i'm thankful. even if all of this change is freaking my little brain out, i'm still grateful that it's happening, and i cannot wait for what the future may bring. 

while it's hard to accept that the version of myself i had gotten used to over the past year is starting to disappear, i am very excited to see this new version of myself blossom. with the trees starting to turn green and the flowers starting to bloom, i, too, am also starting to shine once again. and with this new blog i've started, i hope to take everyone else on this new journey with me! even if only one person reads any of these, i'll still be happy. 2024 me walked so 2025 me could run towards a happier future. 

i guess as a way to conclude this entry, i hope anybody going through a difficult time that also is convinced it will never end, knows that this too shall pass. nothing lasts forever, and that goes for negative experiences as well. i had no idea i'd be able to get out of my slump, i literally couldn't even see the future at all. like quite actually. thinking about my future left my mind completely blank. that's how badly i had convinced myself that the way i was, was how i was going to be forever. but thankfully, by some miracle, here i am. doing much better now. so please, keep on pushing. you will have a moment someday, where you realize that things have indeed gotten better, so i hope you will continue pushing so you can have that realization.

and with that, cinnamorolls is out~