guys i cant take it anymore.

Hi everyone. I have been trying to really pull myself together lately but it has been really hard. I feel really happy and peaceful around my friends -even i forget myself- but when I come back to myself it is really so bad i feel so stuck like crazy.

in the morning -today- I was feeling so bad and depressed and saw my reflection in the mirror. I was looking awful. I asked my friend who is with me, "Don't you think my face looks too wide?" And she said "Oh no, don't worry about it. It's genetic, you can't do anything" she said. I know, its genetic. And yeah, I dont have to be sooo beautiful but she agrees w me. I really dont get offended by this tbh.

 But, that girl and I had attended a conference yesterday and we sat in the wrong place, the speaker in front of us was there. At least 5 cameras filmed us while she was speaking and I really hate cameras. I was really feeling so bad when cameras in front of us. Today the footage was shared, but me and my friends didnt see that. And that girl posted the same picture 3 times on group chat with typing "SDFHJKILSDO" (when we laugh we usually write like this.).

Then zooming in on us. I know she didn't mean any harm, she was just making fun of herself. But I was looking so terrible and she was great. (Edit: Once a time, and more than one, I always mentioned that I really HATE SHARING MY PICS TO EVERYONE.) I look so bad, at that moment I said "how do these people tolerate me?" "If i am like this in reality, i f up." like I always say. 

I felt really bad, my stomach was queasy and I've been crying for an hour. When its like this I just go back to my little self, when I was 6 and everyone makes jokes about my apperance. And I hurt myself, I'm really sorry. I'm sitting with bandages now. I cant ask any help from my people. I won't be able to pull myself together for at least a week. I grew up hating myself, I was just gaining my self-confidence. I'm devastated. I don't want to see anyone. :(  I really hate myself. Wish i was a little more pretty, or looking so normal. 

I am really sorry if this blog make you feel so bad. I am sorry.