about being introverted

What does it mean to be an introvert?

My introversion is probably the first thing people notice about me. If not, it's probably my bedazzled Crocs. Or the tuft of hair sticking out of my ponytail. Or the counterfeit hipper attached to the top of my phone case. Or my cracked lips. Or my dark circles. Or ... they just don't notice me to begin with. It's usually the first or the last.

Someone might describe to you that being an introvert means you just want to be alone. I'd say it's kind of like that. Emphasis on kind of. 

To me, being an introvert means you go and grab some food by yourself because you just want to be alone, as being an introvert is kind of like that. You take a bite out of your pepperoni pizza, sprinkled with a little too many chili flakes, while you watch people eat together. You watch them converse, laugh, and slap each other when the half-audible jokes become too funny. 

To me, being an introvert means you continually contemplate whether you want to have that or not.

You want it because you have trouble making friends and keeping conversations. You want it because you feel like that should be you. You want it because you feel a constant societal pressure to make friends. You want it because when you first moved to university, your mother told you the most important thing about going to college is to create connections. You want it because talking to people is fun. And yes, introverts can think talking to people is fun. Hence why I said wanting to be alone is just kind of what being introverted is like.

You also don't want it. You don't want it because you mess up and overthink every single social interaction possible. You don't want it because the last time your friend asked which day you wanted to hang out, you said "yes." You don't want it because during your last sleepover your friends did karaoke for an hour of a musical you didn't watch, and when they noticed you were feeling left out and asked if you were okay with this, you said yes because you're a doormat. You don't want it because you can only keep a conversation for about 23.5 minutes before your social battery runs out. You don't want it because you have to deal with the idea of a social battery to begin with.

You look back at your pizza and the empty chair next to you. You stay there. Because even though you love the idea of talking to people, you fear it at the same time. Because even though you aren't satisfied with the way your personality is, you're too lazy to change it. Because being shy isn't something you choose. It's you.

Because you're an introvert.