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My life’s been tough for a little bit. I’m not really sure what to do, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about not knowing what to do, but I do know life’s not supposed to be like this. I shouldn’t feel like this all the time.
I’m not sure what to do anymore. I just want out. I don’t like my life anymore, and I don’t like me either. I don’t do anything right, but at the same time I feel like I just don’t try enough. And I think I need to get out of Here. I hate it here, and I’ve been wanting to get out of here for awhile. I’d like to be a whole new person really. I want to be me, not who people think I am. Cause yk everyone thinks I’m a girl, but I don’t feel that way at all. I’ve felt this way for a long long time but I think everyone would hate me if they knew that. I’m not even sure if going by a different name will even change anything at all, because I’ll still be me. And I don’t even want to be around me, so what’ll a change of places even do?
But anyway, I think I might get out of here this summer. I’ll leave in the middle of the night and get on the train then just get off at the last stop. I don’t know what I’ll do after that, but it’s better than staying here and doing nothing.
I want to get out because I feel like I’m being suffocated and yet nothings happening at the same time. I think I might just end it all, yk? But I also don’t want to die either. It’s either I get out of here and try to make it work or I just end it. Besides, if I think my life’s so horrible now, what’s gonna happen when I’m older? Is life always gonna be like this? I don’t think Ill even be made for a place like this anyway.
I’m scared to come out. I think it’ll be easier if I just write it in a letter and then I could just run. They could know but I wouldn’t hVe to deal with losing people. In reality, I don’t think any of this would work. If I ran, I don’t think I’d get far. If I came out, nobody will even treat me the same as before and I’ll still be Athena in the end. I’m not sure what to do. And I know for a fact everyone will drop me because of how they talk about transgenders. My friend hate them, even Yousif, one of my bestest. And I feel like I’m lying to them, all of them, by not telling them. I don’t want to lie to them or make them feel bad. I have one friend, Kyle, who’s just like me in the trans way. But he’s got the ideal life in this sort of situation, where his parents still love him even afterwards and he’s brave enough to tell people and everyone still loves him. I don’t think it’ll ever be that way for me. And if I ever did come out, I don’t think I’d ever tell the new people I’d meet what I am. I’m too scared that they’ll hate me, or drop me too.
I know to whoever is reading this might think I’m being stupid, or that these are the least of bad things in the world. Believe me, I know that people out there have been through worse and that there’s people in a worse situation than I am in, but these are my problems. I don’t think this makes sense, but maybe to someone, it will. I hope that someone just understands. It’s not like I could ever tell people I know, anyway, so thanks anyway for listening.
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Excita
I understand, sure, some people do go through worse but that doesn't mean your feelings are forgotten. I'm personally in a situation where I don't want to be, yes, there is worser situations but to me this shattered me completely and I think strongly it will remain that way for me.
Now I am not an expert on your particular situation and I won't really try to give an solution because I don't sadly have one but I say, just hang in there, tell everyone what you need to say regardless if you feel fear, anxiety or whatever. Poor advice, but the best I can do.