bad picks // take my hand

this woman, who works at the mental health program i went to, i told her, "i got ghosted twice, bad luck, right?" and she goes, "no, bad picks," as in 'bad choices for who to invest energy into caring about.' and i feel offended, not because they were insulting my type in men, but because you don't get to do that. you don't get to pick out who's going to be good for me based on how healed or normal they are. you don't get to pick out who's good, straight up. i tend to care more about people i relate to; antisocial people, people who come across as mean due to awkwardness or internal mess or a drive towards self-protection, people with a lot of anger in them, people with a lot of fear in them, "codependents" (people with a lot of love in them), traumatized people, people who ab/use substances, but that's not the whole of it. i don't care about people when and only when they are struggling. i just accept that they are, it's just not a turn-off, it doesn't detract from whatever kindness i see. from whatever kindness or humor or 'intelligence' (ik there's a better word for that) or humanity, i see. the way i love the people i love proves that, my favorite things about the people i have loved prove that; their smiles, their laughter, the ways they might surprise me relative to my first impressions of them, seeing the people i love fulfilled really turns me on. but i don't throw people away based on their worst qualities or most painful moments, and that's something i thing everyone deserves; that kind of care and respect and loyalty. if i end up getting hurt, over and over and over, because i'm willing to uphold my values - aforementioned care, respect, loyalty - in the face of imperfection so deep it scares some people away, i can't think of anything more worthy of my energy, actually. but at the same time, i hope somewhere deep in me that i'm worthy of that same effort, and my closest, best friends tell me, "yes, benny, you are," and one of them said, "please be kind to yourself." to which i responded, "i'm fucking trying, man....sorry if i sound like i'm snapping at you, i'm not. you have nothing to apologize for. i just don't understand what more i can do for myself while the world around me melts and shatters. my/consensus reality is a sick one." to which that same person responded something about how they understand that exact sentiment and that is why, in fact, they think i should be kinder to myself. ah, kindness.

my ex, he was not harmless to me. he hurt me, so, so badly. i don't know how to forgive him, and i'm afraid that moving on is only a possibility for me because it literally must be. but rereading some of the messages he sent me, god, he was so depressed. there was a great darkness surrounding him. and it wasn't out of nowhere, he had been so abused. and that's no excuse for how he treated me. but there is no small amount of tragedy there.

and the tragedy, i believe, stems from that the only thing i ever asked of him boiled down to this; he was broken, so was i, and i was asking him to take my hand ("won't you take a poor sinner's hand?"), and we could inspire each other to live. the way Hayao Miyazaki means it. and to live relatively well, against this sick reality. these monsters. i don't know if 'healing' exists, but if it does, it is in community. this is something i believe wholeheartedly.

if all i ask is that you take my hand, so that the both of us can be helped, in some way or another, that - in its core, its intention, its sentiment, even if not in practice every time - is so pure. not naive. worldly, even, mature, but pure. to be cared for & to care for.

what kind of man would say no?

what kind of man would say yes?

you can be antisocial, you can be a little mean, you can be angry, you can be scared, you can be codependent, you can be traumatized, you can be an addict or an alcoholic, you can be the most average, boring, privileged person i've ever met, but whoever you are, whatever other kind of man you are, at the very least, god, when i ask, "will you take my hand?"

say yes. and we will fight the monsters together.