abstinence (TW: self-harm)

I can't tell why i've been dealing with my mental health since I'm 14, but what I can tell it's that it was one of the worst experiences I had for sure. And it seems pretty weird to me the fact that I almost tried to kill myself twice and YET I'm not sure what my truma is; and i highly believe that's bc I barely remeber my childhood. The only thing I know it's that -maybe- the enviroment in wich I was rised was not that healthy. And I mean, ofc it is not if i learned to hide my true personality (interest, emotions, opinions, etc) from my own family since I was a child. I swear, that ppl doesn't know me at all. But that's not the point. So, what is it, then?

When I was 14, I would see a lot of young ppl like me on the internet suffer¡ng from multiple mental illnes, and I kinda felt sympathy for them. But, what I felt the most, was rejection. I could't relate to their suffering, and I didn't understand why they felt like that (althought I never tried to judge them). Depression, anxiety, ED's, and *self-harm*. I couldn't picture myself suffering from any of that stuff. It was unimaginable for me. So, I gues you alredy know where this is going.

Yes, I ended up suffering from some of this things, and one of the most fucked up of this ones was self-harm. Obvioulsy, bc it's an addiction, and you can't get over it just like that. From my experience, even if I was at the best point of my life, I would think of doing it from time to time. The feeling was there, lost somewheere inside me, but alive. It was a random craving that I would feel before going to sleep or when I was feeling down. And it was not just the "i kinda feel like doing it..." It was also the feeling of deception bc I thought I was doing better, that I was stronger, or the feeeling of fear -more like horror- bc I didn't wamt to ending up doing it. I was afraid of myself and my own actions. It was like a monster under the bed, haunting me until I would eventually gave up.

I talk about it in past tense, but the truth is that this is something that I've been going through lately. And since I started cutting myself I heard a lot of advices and tips to avoid doing it, but nothing works for me. And yet, I have a streak, although I don't know how many days passed since I stopped. However, I keep trying. I think one of the things that keeps me on track it's the fact that it's summer here where live, therefore, I can't use longer sleeves. That's what terrifies me. What am I gonna do once I'm able to cover myself more and hide it?

To be honest, I got no idea. I know I gotta keep going 'til I die, but that's certainly scary. I don't want to do it, I don't want to go back there anymore, but the need inside me somtimes it's really strong. I don't want to to take any of the two paths voluntarily, but I yet keep choosing the right with blind eyes bc I don't to admit it.

I'm not sure if venting about this in my blog helped me in some way, but whatever. I just wanted to talk about it with someone who weren't my friends. If ur dealing with sel-harm as well, I genuinely hope ur doing ok. Remember ur not alone (kinda cliche, I know).

Hugs to anyone who read the whole thing, and ty ;p

(srry for the mistakes, english isn't my first language)