Just writing.

I just got formally diagnosed with OSDD. Idk. I just wanted to do some writing to try to help me process. Doing the MID in itself is overwhelming. I feel like there ought to be this complete shift, like a giant ravine suddenly opening up in front of me. But there isn't. part of me wants to celebrate that I've finally got my answer - after years of navigating uncertain confusion I've landed and have been validated. and another part makes me stop thinking, forgetting I'm even writing until I look back at the screen. It was wild actually having someone who I can trust, who is informed and educated in the subject, being able to explain my experiences and ask "does this count?". But I knew it.

When I got assessed for autism it was a similar feeling. I'd already been diagnosed with CPTSD which was later reconfirmed independently, so that I had experienced trauma is not new to me. But it's all confusing. i think the information is still simmering through. 

It's like I was walking forever towards this mountain in the distance, and no matter how much I walked, it never seemed to get any closer. but I kept walking. Walking and walking and walking until today, I finally reached it, only to find that it was just a slight hill. Or, I had said that it felt like I had just chopped down a tree, but there's still this whole forest around me. Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops "I fucking knew it!!" because I had faced so much invalidation. 
But what will this mean for me? What will be the next steps? At the end of the day, I am simmering. Waiting. i knew that this year would finally bring me the answers I was seeking. 25. I fucking did it. 

I want to feel vindicated. This was a genuine, formal diagnosis, using the tools that have been thoroughly researched and validated. my old therapist who I saw for two years just purely went based off of vibes. I think part of it is my autism, which drives this need in me for some tangible certainty, something that can be tested and validated or questioned, something grounded in the scientific process - I know that the human mind can never be fully captured by a diagnosis or scientific experiment or study but that doesn't devalue these things. My old therapist was so avoidant of any kind of pathological diagnosis - I just dont see diagnoses the way he did I guess. it's just a way to classify certain shared experiences. But his rejection of any diagnosis made me feel incapable of understanding or perceiving my own lived experience. Of course, being informed of my personal experience doesn't classify me as someone able to align those experiences with the diagnostic criteria. But that's why I was seeing a professional. He just blamed my experience on being an artist. Literally. it's so ridiculous to me now. No wonder I wasn't connecting with him, that my parts grew so avoidant of him. Because he refused to see me under any light besides the one he determined. He fit me into a box and just didn't even hear when I explained things that didn't fit. He just would make this >:/ face and never addressed it. He would recommend I read this book, which I did read, and then years later recommend the same book to me again. Like okay, lesson learned "dont take anything anyone says about you personally, positive, negative, or neutral" Like how the hell am I supposed to gauge my experience if I cant listen to other people's insights? Specifically thinking of when one of my classmates had come over and remarked on how different I was at home. I brought this up again today while taking the MID and asked if that counted for one of the questions, as I had originally thought it may (the whole reason I brought this up to my old therapist in the first place). My new therapist validated me. He just told me to not take anything anyone says about me ever personally. like on one hand, I get it; people's perceptions of me are formed based off their world view - every perception is a distortion of reality in some way. On the other hand, that doesn't mean peoples insights are invaluable and worthless. so fucking dumb dude. I'm glad I'm not seeing him, he's in the past, but fuck man I was seeing this guy for TWO YEARS. And my handwriting changing!! He dismissed that too, I even showed my current therapist out of my planner how my handwriting changes and she validated it!!! 

It's still just the beginning of my journey. But fuck what a milestone. I think on average it takes people 7 years in the "system" to reach an accurate diagnosis. It took me 4? just over four years. Not including the time I spent on the waitlist to get assessed for autism, which was three years. on one hand 4 years feels like not so much, but that's also the same length as the entirety of high school. So idk. it is what it is I just wanted to share about it somewhere.