A CHEMICAL REACTION, HYSTERICAL AND USELESS ; how i've been feeling recently.

this is very rant-y and not really formatted in any way. just a way to put my feelings down somewhere.

i feel as though i'm stuck in time. my college attendance has dropped significantly, and ive been spending all my time doing fuckall. my room has become a mess and i am finding myself unable to keep up with everything in the world. i love my friends but being in their presence makes me feel so so sad because it feels like life just keeps moving for them, and i'm so glad that it is, but i feel like i am being left behind. i feel inherently left out and isolated, even when they aren't doing anything of the sorts and they are actively trying to include me. any question regarding where i was for the past few weeks or why i'm so late no matter the situation makes me feel so guilty even if it comes from a place of good intent. any invitation to go anywhere makes me feel guilty for denying, but i can barely get myself into places i have to be at, and any extra outside time just sounds so dreadful; even when i'd normally love to hang out. 

i've been trying to take my usual afterschool naps but now they last longer, melting into the night and only fading away in the next morning, leaving me time for practically nothing. it only makes time pass faster, and it's only everyone else's time thats passing, leaving me here as i am. i feel as though time doesnt affect me, and as long as i'm in my room nothing changes. but it does, so i dont want to go out and see all the changes ive missed, because theres so many,  but not so many that i  cant recognise the life i had before, hidden by an all-consuming fog and time and a feeling i can't describe as anything but liminal. and all the changes are asking where have you been? where have you been? where have you been? but i dont have an answer, so i try, but the amount of things that havent changed within me make me wrong and i remain frozen.

i usually am always up to date with all my college work, but recently i have been falling behind so much, and the teachers are showing concern, but i dont know what to do. even right now, i could be doing work, and im trying, but i cant get myself to. I want to be creative and i want to do stuff but all i can do is listen to music feeling like im just floating away from everything. i love my friends but i cant be around them, and i love my classes but i cant engage with them. all my favourite things are starting to sound stale. my favourite youtubers are uploading new content, but it doesnt sound exciting even if, under any other circumstances, this is all i'd be talking about. i'd normally take this as a sign that my interest in said content is dying, but no, because i can still look at writing or edits or art that have been made before, things i am already familiar with, and they still bring me that feeling of belonging and full engagement and the ability to play with my feelings the way everything else once would. but its only that, and i cant help but have that guilt arise every time i try because how could i? be doing this when i have so many changes still! so much work  to be doing and so many people i should be talking to! 

i need to go really far away somewhere and forget who i was. or maybe not, because ive worked so hard trying to find that in the first place. although, i never did find it, really, so it'd be nothing but a futile attempt at feeling normal and in touch with everything again; if ever did feel it in the first place. maybe i feel far away and that desire to go, go, go is nothing but a want. a want to equal those feelings, a way of bringing my body to where my soul has run off to. maybe its some sort of calling, but really it' s not, and this is me trying to justify those unjustifiable things that dont make any sense.

i dont know. i hope it all gets fixed or i will fail this course and it would be bad in the long run.