I can't anymore...

Damn, I'm so fucking exhausted. Just... Every day feels like a test of my endurance and discipline. And yet, it seems like I have nothing to complain about. I live a normal life, I’m not starving, I sleep in warmth, and all that. But despite this, I feel unsatisfied.

There comes a point in life where I just don’t want to do anything and don’t do anything at all. I’m tired of everything. Literally everything. Video games, YouTube, music, anime—they’ve all just become uninteresting. No matter how much I try to lift my mood, nothing helps.

I don’t know why I’m going through this phase right now. Maybe it’s because of stress since I have exams and interviews coming up that will heavily impact my future. But my motivation to study is at absolute zero. Because the school I’m in is just a total shitshow—there’s no other way to describe it. I don’t like studying there because the classmates are awful. Sometimes they scream like they’re out of their minds. It’s hard to concentrate. And sometimes being in class feels like being in a gas chamber because it smells so bad you just want to die.

By the way, I’ve been living in Germany for about three years now, and my German is a fucking disaster. You’d think, why is that? At first, when I started going to school, I had decent German courses, and I was doing pretty well—until my teacher’s contract ended, and she was forced to leave. And that’s when everything went downhill.

When the 22/23 school year started, there was no teacher available to teach intensive German classes for foreigners, so the school basically hinted that everyone was on their own. Understanding that I had to learn German by myself, I did absolutely nothing. Literally. I tried a few times, but after a while, I got bored because my motivation was just nonexistent.

And so, the school year ended, and I was held back in the 9th grade because I had no grades at all. Then the 23/24 year started, and this time I had to actually participate in lessons because I needed grades. I survived on my previous knowledge and some notes from last year.

Surprisingly, a new teacher appeared who was supposed to teach German to foreigners, and I was happy because I thought I’d finally learn German properly. But nope. The teacher turned out to be completely useless, and all her lessons were absolute bullshit. Her method of teaching German was just writing down 50 German words with translations—nothing else.

Then the first semester ended, and the second one began. And that’s when they told me I wouldn’t be attending intensive German lessons anymore because I supposedly knew the basics. But in reality, I was just using cheat sheets on tests and the German exam.

And so, I finished the second semester with somewhat decent grades and got moved to the 10th grade. It’s March now. On Wednesday, I have my B1 exam, then an interview, followed by three trial exams, and as a "dessert" in the summer, three more exams and two oral ones.

Recently, I started intensively learning German, at least to know some basic conversational skills, which is good. But I couldn’t keep it up for long because I’m just weak.

In short, with my weak German, I’m in for a disaster, and I’m just exhausted. I just want to lie in bed and not think about anything.