Monday Anxiety

Of course, my Monday anxiety kicks in again. This is where you're anticipating the pending doom of coming back to work at the workplace you detest. I detest it so much that my mind is running at 90MPH. No matter how hard I try to sleep, my mind won't allow me because I am thinking about how shitty my management have made me feel over the past few months. I am also thinking about my mother's birthday weekend where the plans are somewhat ruined and disorganized. 

Fuck work! 

⛈️ I am highly considering calling out, so I can mentally refresh myself. 

I work as a revenue specialist which is in the corporate side within the medical field. My company handles outpatient services that deals with blood. What the fuck does a revenue specialist (RS) anyway? The role depends on which team you're in, and what role the management decides that it would be. I've been on this position for 3 years, and every year, my role has been different because it has LEVELS. 

My definition of revenue specialist is below: 

I started as an RS1 where my call center skills were put to the test. During my first initial check ins with my supervisor, I expressed my interest in training. This is where my trajectory starts. I was bright-eyed and full of motivation. I was excited to start anew and my supervisor was willing to support my interests. There wasn't a true training team nor program within the company from the get-go!. I saw opportunities for growth and took action, where I made job aids and assisted leadership with training new teammates. I did all this while taking phone calls, just so I can show how valuable I am. (Lots to unpack here where I am constantly trying to show how good I am, and I know it stems from childhood trauma, which is for another post.)

A year later, I leveled up to RS2, where I was tasked to take phone calls, but a focus on training incoming teammates. If you know call center culture, not everyone is fond of it, so there's always a high turnover rate. They need someone to train these new teammates, so I stepped up, and I enjoyed it. I was able to make content, facilitate in a small scale, and even get into leadership meetings and strategize. It was amazing to be a part of that conversation. I was making a difference, which fulfilled me. My supervisor started introducing the idea that higher leadership is aware of what I am doing, and they are looking at me to do a training program in the future. 

8 months later, I leveled up again to become an RS3! Full time training this time, which means that I am tasked to create an onboarding training program, create and consolidate already-made training materials, facilitate trainings for incoming teammates, report to leaders about progress pertaining to the program itself and the trainees I am training, quality assure that the program content is great, etc. All this for a great price of $27 and on top of that, I was doing all of this alone because we did NOT have any training program from the start. I was a high-performer, and I was rewarded with more work. How do I even progress, if I just keep working my wage? I figured that if I show my worth, I'd be rewarded-eventually. 

Fast-forward to today, I feel robbed and taken advantage of. They took advantage of my dreams and aspirations. I was overworked to the point of crashing out. I was warned before, but I wanted to prove them wrong, and here's where it has gotten me. I have learned my lesson, so I am ready to move on. Sadly, it is never that easy. I HATE STARTING OVER, and I know it is essential if i want to elevate and move on. Just the process of going through job search while being in this economy where there are people going through layoffs is extremely difficult. On top of that, the job that I am looking for, i barely have any experience for. I've attempted to look for other roles/teams within the company, but I was rejected due to experience. I want a lead role or a training role, so the search continues, but i am tired MENTALLY.

Overall, I am exhausted. Despite how much I wanted to fall asleep, my body kept itching. My mind kept running, tossing and turning every 20 or so minutes. I should really call out. I got to prioritize myself, right? RIGHT? I need some validation and reassurance. 

• Starting to really come to terms that my love language is ALL of them, and I am currently learning that I need words of affirmation.