talking school

i'm gonna be talking a bit about mental health a bit in this jsyk

also i'm gonna be sounding like such a suck up and nerd in some parts LMAO, also i'll probably be jumping from topic to topic and sounding so disorganized.

i don't understand how some kids, or rather teenagers, can be so rude to teachers. like, they didn't do anything wrong? for example, in my art class, there's this group of around seven boys that are probably ultra white supremacists (iykwim) that just are so, so disrespectful. it doesn't help that she's also super super nice and super patient, but at this point she just needs to start disciplining them more than she does because being a doormat isn't going to solve anything. i really cannot fathom the reasons as to why my peers are super super awful, maybe it's that they think that there really aren't any consequences for their actions, or maybe they haven't royally fucked up yet? maybe they are super rude because they feel the need to put everyone down to get power? maybe being surrounded by self-conscious teenagers isn't helping the fact they they may be self-conscious themselves? who knows at this point. also being on social media 24/7 isn't good for teenagers as well, i'm saying this as if i'm also not a teenager, but still the point still stands. knowing that you have near-total anonymity or a good social network to where repercussions isn't even a thought is super scary and reinforces the "i can say what i want without being in trouble for it" kind of mentality. maybe i'm just wearing my tinfoil hat and thinking that "social media is bad and needs to be limited!!!" but genuinely i think that too much social media is genuinely super bad for anyone, especially anyone who hasn't graduated high school yet. i kinda would know, because i've had horrible things happen to me because i was like actually chronically online, and it deteriorated my already fragile mental health. but that's beside the point. i just don't understand how people can be so cruel to people who are trying to, in a sense, give a fuck about them. teachers are already having such a hard time just getting by in life, from what i've seen, and moody and rude teens aren't making things any better. the only thing i can do is just be kind and such. shrug. i try my best to not make things harder for me and them and just be friendly to them and get my work done (mostly) on time. 

maybe i'm missing some key component in this whole socializing thing but i genuinely do not know how to make friends anymore. like, maybe i'm too socially incompetent or asocial to understand social cues. so i'd rather not try than possibly overstep someone's boundaries. it's even worse at school since i personally know 2 people max, and one isn't even in my classes at all! i personally love love love my alone time, but a part of me feels like i'm missing out on so much because of my inability to be social and make a ton of friends. i feel it's super easy to make friends when you're in elementary school, but incredibly difficult to make friends as an older teen / adult. to preface, i moved up to new jersey when i was in fourth grade, and even then i felt too different from my peers because i didn't grow up with them, rather, i felt too shoehorned in if that makes sense. a lot did happen between moving up to new jersey and going to school for the first time, of which i won't go into, but that could also be a possibility as to why i felt like i couldn't make good friendships and stick with them. at this point maybe i'll never find out the secret to socialization! who knows. 

i get that schools are more unwilling to provide assistance to more mentally unwell people who get good grades but at this point it feels like negligence to ignore people who are genuinely struggling just because they have straight a's. i'm on the high honor roll (but my classes are super easy) but i feel as though that sort of puts a blanket over the fact that i do have issues and they need to be addressed so i don't get worse. for example, last school year i had an attendance issue where i couldn't even leave my own home, but i had good grades all year so my absenteeism wasn't an issue! they didn't even try to work with me and my family to solve it, they just sat me down in one meeting and said that they'll just give me my credits for the year and work with me on a 504 plan, but that didn't even happen! there might be more to this than i know about, but it really feels as if they don't even give a fuck if i have disabling mental health issues, as long as i have good grades then they'll just turn a blind eye to it. shrug, at least i'm graduating this year and moving far away from new jersey.