Journal. March 9th Sunday, @ 12:27 Am

Hey dudes ‼️‼️

Nothing exactly happened 2day, but I thought that I may as well upload anyway. Not like too many people are reading this tho so it’s whatever man.

So basically nothings really new with me. March break hasn’t really been anything at all. I’m doing absolutely nothing, again. I hate it when something like this happens, because I always feel like I’m just rotting away for a whole week, or like in the summer. I never do anything, and that’s sorta one of my fears, in a way. My Ma said it’s called FOMO. Fear of missing out, btw.

But anywho, it’s kind of really bad now. It’s been I big thing for ages, and I guess it stemmed from being afraid of looking back and realizing that I’ve done nothing with my life or that I’ve got no stories to tell. Kinda stupid, I know, but I’m scared to do nothing and be nothing all at the same time. And everyone around me is doing all of these wonderful things, like my friend Layla is going to Europe and she has famil and friends to tell those things to. I don’t. And I feel so guilty for feeling these things, but I can’t help it. It scares me, a ton. 

My Ma is trying to get me therapy now. I have a ton of problems that follow me daily, and I’m honestly surprised that this is what she’s sending me away for. Kinda strange, right? But anyway, I think it’s because of what happened a while ago. When I get upset or cry, it’s always really bad. I’m a sensitive kid, and honestly I cry at a lot of things, like loud noises like yelling or someone raising their tone even a bit. But this night, it was different. My aunt came over to brag once again about some trip she’s going on, and I got I. My head again and over thought it again. My mom says I do that a lot, which sucks. I hate it when she does stuff like that, man. It sucks, rlly it does. But anyway, I started to hyperventilate after my aunt left and I stared sobbing then it got into a sort of panic attack I think?? Idk, and it was like that for hours. My mom tried to calm me down at first, but after twenty minutes with no success, she sorta just got super pissed off. So, I’ve got therapy soon now. Which is great. It’s never really gone on for hours in end,  Though. An hour, sure, but definitely not hours. It was sort of scary, and I couldn’t breathe for a little bit, or it was just difficult. Idk man, it was a little bit ago (like a few weeks).

I just want to run away, honestly. I’ve fantasized over it more times than I could ever count. Once, I even packed a bag at like two in the morn and ran down to the bus station. But I quickly ran back home. I almsot just want to get away from here, to escape this hellhole of a town and just pretend my life isn’t real for a little bit. I want to leave this shitty place, but all I’ve got is fifty bucks and a few coins to my name. I don’t think I’d live out there, but it’s better than staying here, in a way. I’m not sure what to do anymore, chat. 

But other than that problem, heres another one for ya. I’m ina relationship. With a boy. His name is Charlie, and he’s the sweetest boy in the world. He made a playlist for me, yall. But here’s the problem. He doesn’t know I’m a boy. No one does, except for my friend Kyle and whoever reads this blog. And I’m scared, very scared, to lose him. I don’t think he’ll be very happy if he ever finds out how I feel about being a girl. Or how I’d rather be a boy, yknow? I don’t think anyone would be. And he’s just the best, and I don’t think I’m a very good girlfriend back to him. I don’t text him enough, and I haven’t made a playlist for him. PLUS I’m too scared to ever even like hold his hand or like hug him. I know I’m a giant pussy, but like, I can’t help it. I’m just scared to screw up, yknow? I don’t know what to do anymore, anyway. And there’s the fact his birthday is coming up, and I haven’t even given him his gift yet. I don’t even know if he’ll like it or anything, but I sure do hope he does.

Sorry that this one’s been a long one today. It’s just that these things have been weighing down on me for months, and I have no one to talk to. I can’t bare the thought of someone looking at me, and knowing what’s wrong with me. It’s terrifying.

I don’t trust anyone enough to that extent.