JD Vance.exe Part 1

I never considered myself to be a political person, even with the current climate I always avoided those kinds of conversations. My uncle would constantly get our family into arguments on thanksgiving, but I always sat in the corner watching top 10 hottest anime chicks of all time on my phone. Call me a gooner and all that but jerking off is better than interacting with my sex offender uncle.

I’d be lucky if that’s how the rest of my life went, but it’s not. Last week, I decided to check out the inauguration, with all the attention Trump’s been getting I thought I’d check it out. I flipped over to Fox news, scrolling through my phone waiting for it to eventually start. It did but for the slightest second, I thought I saw something. It could’ve been because the night before I stayed up watching My Little Sister Can’t Be This Cute, but what I saw put me in absolute shock.

Instead of Fox news it said 666 news and the text looked like hyper-realistic flesh. JD Vance was staring at the camera with red eyes and blood coming out of them, this scared the heebie jeebies out of me and I screamed for a solid 3 seconds. My dad ran over to me and asked what happened, I told him to look back at the tv but what I saw was gone, the inauguration went on as per usual.

“It was right there! I swear!” I exclaimed,

“Yeah, okay liberal” my dad scoffed before giving me the nastiest look and walking away.

I was a bit frustrated when I heard that, but he could’ve been right, maybe I was just seeing things and overexaggerating.  After all it was just there for around 0.0341832984895 seconds and it could’ve been mistaken for anything else. Still, it didn’t sit right with me at all. I continued watching the inauguration waiting for something to pop out again like at the start. JD Vance would occasionally stare into the camera with his bright blue laser beam eyes, it felt like he knew I was watching him, but outside of that there was really nothing else that happened.

Every night since then I have had constant nightmares, I just couldn’t get the image out of my head, I’d be trying to sleep but JD Vance and his bloody red eyes would stare back at me from the void. I would always wake up panicking, sweat dripping from every pore (and hole) on my body trying to recollect what just happened. I decided to write down a few of these dreams in my journal so I could share these with you.

Dream 1:

This one was pretty normal, TOO normal…….

I was having breakfast in the living room; the smell of eggs and bacon came in like a tsunami wave hitting Japan for the hundredth time. It was fine, relaxed, and overall, I was having a good time. My mother came in and asked, “would you like extra bacon Hubert?”. I replied saying “yeah” and she placed 3 strips of bacon. Suddenly, crashing into the kitchen was JD FUCKING VANCE. He looked at me and said, “You forget to say please and thank you, Jewie”. I sat there confused, I’m not even Jewish, I was a bit offended actually I don’t know why he’d say that to me like it was a bad thing, I was actually Hindu.

Suddenly Vance stared at my mom’s head and made it blow up with his red bleeding eyes, I started crying because I love my mom a lot and then he did the same to my dad and my dog.

He started chasing me down through the hallway yelling at me to say please and thank you, I had no idea what he was talking about. Eventually he caught up to me and said, “Sorry Jeremy you weren’t fast enough”.

I didn’t even do shit, but he suddenly beat my head in, and I woke up feeling sore.

 

Dream 2:

This one was kind of a follow up from the first dream, I was back at the kitchen where my family was brutally murdered by JD Vance, but it wasn’t the same. It was completely empty and the cleanest that room has ever been, there wasn’t even a single speck of dirt that could be found, in fact it was all polished. I could practically see the reflection of my own face by looking down at the floor, I felt bad just for being there because I didn’t want to mess anything up. I went through all the drawers and shelves later to see if I could get a snack but a majority of them were completely empty, while others had plates of varying cleanliness. Suddenly there was just chattering that started out of nowhere, I turned around to see that there was a family preparing to eat thanksgiving dinner. They all looked like they came straight out of a poster from the 1950s, I couldn’t understand a single word they were saying to each other, I knew they were speaking English, but it was like I lost the ability to understand language. There was one voice that I recognized though, it stood out from the rest of the chattering there like a sore thumb, but I knew who it was.

“Sit down Timothy. We want to start eating already.” Donald J. Trump demanded.

I suddenly felt the weight of 18 Italian Americans pull me down onto the chair, I couldn’t pick myself up and I was facing the 47^th president. Suddenly JD Vance appeared in a maid outfit with a turkey in hand and a joyful smile stretched across their face. Trump cut off a piece of the turkey and placed it upon my plate. I had my suspicions on the meal that laid in front of me, but I gave into the temptation of consuming it. It had a distinct minty flavor to it, and it felt like butter melting inside of my mouth. My lips start peeling back as my mouth is forced wide open by the sudden flood of roaches bursting out. I could I feel them moving from my throat, it felt like there was a feather inside of my esophagus trying to tickle me as I was gagging. After what felt like ages the roaches stopped coming out and began eating away the entire room revealing a blood red sky and an Aztec temple just a few yards away from me.  All of the people at the table were gone except a single person…

Nikacado Avocado.

He sat there with his tray filled to the brim with fried chicken, takis, and an abundance of green noodles. I was just in complete awe; I’ve always wanted to meet the man himself and now I finally could. Nikacado was in front of his camera talking about how much he hated his “man whore cheating husband” while shoving down copious amounts of chicken down his throat. As he was grabbing another drumstick from his KFC bucket, he let out a disgusting shart that I could only describe as “wet thunder” before pausing his schizophrenic ramblings. Nikacado stared in front of the camera blinking twice before tilting his head up and letting out a blood curdling scream of pure anguish. My ears felt as if they were about to burst from the shear pressure of his cry, and as it got worse the sudden stench of the Hershey squirt that he left in his pants started suffocating me. Eventually the pain was so unbearable that I was forced back awake in my bed, only to realize that Nick wasn’t the only one to pop out a dookie.

 

Dream 3:

I was on the ground, staring up at the red sky feeling the grass blades against my skin. I promptly got up and saw the same Aztec temple from before in the middle of a green field. Besides the grass, the wind, and the structure that laid in front of me there was nothing. It was oddly calming, especially with how all my previous dreams had played out, I considered just spending the entire time there before eventually waking up, but I decided to check out the temple. I begun making my way towards it, but every step I took never brought me any closer to the target. It wasn’t far away either, I’d say it was just a hundred meters from where I was, but it always stayed at the same distance with no change. Moving backwards, or to the side wouldn’t change anything either, it was like I was being taunted, put in an endless task like that guy named Syphilis. It was only when I stopped moving and took another look at my surroundings that I had somehow, ended up right in front of the temple’s entrance.

Upon further examination I saw that the walls were etched with the face of Nikacado Avocado, with the words “Vance’s Top Guy” written in cursive beneath the crude image and I made my way through the entrance. It was hard to see anything due to the dim lighting, but I saw a golden statue of Donald Trump, covered in moss with banner above it that read.
“Welcome to Trump Gaza. “

Standing there in utter confusion I couldn’t help but notice a soft whimpering sound coming from one of the rooms near the chamber. I begun trying to follow the sound, only pausing once in a while to recalibrate where it was coming from, eventually it led me into a hallway with even more rooms. I had a feeling of dread just slowly building its way up as my imagination kept thinking of things that could be causing the sound, but none of them made me feel comfortable in the slightest. What would I even do once I found it? With all the constant turns I’m making I’m curious as to how I would find my way back. I tried pushing these thoughts to the back of my mind as much as possible, but they’d always lingered, at some point though, I found out what it was.

Right in front of me, laying down in a fetal position weeping, was JD Vance. After the thing I saw on Fox news, he was the last person I’d ever want to see, let alone run into. However, I was torn between morbid curiosity and sheer panic, what the hell could he be crying over? If I was the vice president of the United States, I’d do literally anything I wanted to do. Looking a little past his shoulder I could see the mutilated corpse of Donald Trump with his hair left in a patchy array and his innards completely removed. From the corner I could hear a loud voice that said
“Daddy told you what would happen if you didn’t listen to me kitten.”

It was Elon Musk. JD Vance got up, wiping his tears on the sleave of his shirt, clearing his throat and replying in a quiet whisper

“I’m sorry Elon… It won’t happen again.”

“Speak up, Daddy has no time for your games kitten, I need to go back to cutting funds for cancer research.”
“It’s just… Why did you have to kill Trump?! You know how much I loved him!”

“If you loved him so much then you would’ve listened to me… The next time you disappoint me in bed, I’ll have to punish you myself.”
“It won’t happen again! I even practiced with some other guys! Keeping my teeth out of the way, just like you said!”

“Fine.” Elon said with a sharp tone in his voice, before walking away back to where he came from.

JD Vance turned around and looked right back at me, his face showing a clear sign of anger. I didn’t know what to say, I just kind of gave him an awkward look but suffice to say that didn’t help at all. I got sucker punched directly in the face, getting knocked down on the ground before he started kicking the ever-living shit out of me. Eventually he was finished and kept calling me a “dumbass virgin loser” as I was on the ground crying that I got beat up by a dude wearing fake Jordans. As soon as I woke up, I had to run to the bathroom and immediately throw up. My puke was just a disgusting mix of blood, taco bell, and watermelon, I swear there was a cockroach in there too. Needless to say, I was left with questions. What I saw on Fox news wasn’t just my mind playing tricks on me, and I needed some answers, because I can’t be the only one who ran into this dark… evil… malicious… twisted… unholy… despicable… unkind… insane… crazy… wicked… sinful… villainous… ill… satanic… vile… diabolical version of JD Vance.