rambling n ranting sorriez

i feel like my identity and having to hide it is starting to kill myself spirits , making new friends is so difficult bcus all they see is someone that no longer exists n telling them the truth will do more harm than good 

i feel a bit envious of the people i see come n go at work when theyre out with their peers , only bcus i can see they can be their most authentic selves with them and its so frustrating knowing i’ll probably never trust anyone enough to be so comfortable as to be myself 

and the friends i do have and do know me as i see myself, i feel like i hold on too tightly to those friendships BECAUSE they see and respect me as a man, and i just dont know if im capable of feeling that kind of love anywhere else

its very selfish but also i really do just feel so lonely, knowing my identity is my biggest wall right now, and with where i live and with only certain family knowing i’m trans, fully transitioning isnt in my future for another few years

im starting to resent myself which is so ironic because im the happiest ive ever been since realizing im more comfortable as a man, but with that im also in a different state of depression that i dont know how to tackle because i have no one to truly turn to with this situation 

i just feel so lost and alone and confused and upset and hurt and im starting to hate my skin more than ever while still wanting to make sure i express admiration and gentle love for myself

i dont know what to do with myself anymore and im so tired of being tired ,,, okay thats it im gonna doom scroll then go to sleep ,,, will post about regular things like my obsession with glee laterrrrrrr qq 

( _ _ )Zzz