If only I can be like my sister

I often find myself envying my older sister. She's everything I ever wanted to be and much more. Like when I was a kid I would often think about the person I wanted to become as a teenager. What I thought "cool" people were like and I wanted to become just like that. But instead I became the opposite. I look at my sister and I become upset because she's like the version of me I always wanted to be. Don't get it twisted, I still love my sister but I can't help be feel disappointed in myself every time I see her. I feel like if my past self met me now, she's be kinda disgusted but she would idolize my sister. And I still do. I want to be like her. Like she's living the same life as those people in the early 2000's American high school movies and i'm just some depressed teenager. 

I often act rudely to my sister and I do regret it. But I don't hate her. I'm just mad at myslef for not becoming a good person like her.