Venting because life sucks

I just feel like I don't belong here, like my older hates me for my every move and I can't know why. I won't fall for their tricks by buying me something and It won't change my mind unless they actually make a good reason why. Do you know how it's so embarrassing that your neighbors hear your family yelling at you?? And a minute later they'd be all caring and sweet?? That's too fake to me, I don't care if it's mood swings. I really like really hate it. Especially like my older sister, I really really hate her and you know why?? Because I feel like she hates me too and I don't like that, I have a feeling my family is trying to embarrass me. I hate when they yell at me while I actually tried my best yes they do that. Sometimes I just wanna try to defend myself but my relatives would just support them. Every family gatherings will never be complete if nobody ever talks about how my family is always heard fighting, yelling or others. But I just got used to it all of it and I have a feeling I can't understand, I want it all to Dissapear but at the same time I don't want it to end. I still want to feel the pain a little harder but I also want to feel the happiness I will never get used to. A cut would slightly release a slight pain from me, my MD DISORDER is the only thing that makes me runaway from reality. One day, I could actually escape this life I have in this city and in this country and then could start a new life. I only do this vent thingy when I'm actually mad or really like sad. Or sometimes just overreacting, It was just day one after my nine years old birthday that's when it all changed. I started to grow and realize somethings really and actually wrong and I blame myself. I didn't grow like I wanted, I became awkward, weird, a people pleaser and an insecure person. I became the person I hated to be, and now I'm still struggling to say no and not touch the cutter because I know that's for my own good. But, I actually miss the way the cutter heals my pain. And yes, I tried to end it all and by what I meant end it all I tried to attempt to end myself. I wish I could go back where I could just stay as an 8 year old who didn't have to struggle at anything and just enjoy her life instead of wanting to end it.