i think the world is trying to guilt trip me so hard rn

TW: SH

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TW: SH

idk y but theres alot of shi telling me rn that like "if you cant find the problem then maybe ur the problem" on my feed and i do not interact w that typa thing AT ALL I've even blocked but like its still there x_x and recently i've been having dreams abt ppl crying bc they saw my scars like the first dream that I remember is that i was at a sleepover and like after activities n shi we went to bed and after that i was woken up by my mom, she was crying bc there were scars at the back of my palm, they didnt even look fresh they were keloids. and then she gave me the same speech she did the last time my parents confronted me abt my sh.

ok next dream (this was js last night):

so like i was at school w exactly everyone in my class including our advisor and we had to do some sculpting project and like i was pissed bc it was expected to be like half our size so after i left the classroom i stood by the benches js ranting to myself bc at that time i thought i was alone since it was like evening and outside the campus. THEN I HEARD SOME CRYING BEHIND ME??? it was the guy i liked in 8th grade and he was lowk in a panic attack then he gave me some parcels from his bag and i opened it and it was clay n sculpting materials. I asked why and he said 'suicidal' and i think he gestured to my scars bc my sleeves were rolled up apparently (mind you i only have like a few keloids on one shoulder, I dont slit my wrists or anything that cant be hidden w short sleeves) and i tried to comfort him and say things like 'its okay im here' and he was suddenly like 'lmao wtf' while he was still crying and after that i woke up but the overall dream was js 💀💀💀

ok so this one wasnt a dream but this happened before the last dream i stated js now.

my family went out to visit a funeral, i didnt go bc they werent a close relative or anything, js the dad of my mom's friends which i dont know who either. only my sister went w my parents bc my dad forced her so my mom would have to leave early.

so after that they went to the mall n ate dinner and while they were eating my dad js asked my sister "what mental illness do you think your older sibling (me) has?" and for like the rest of the time they were eating he was searching on her tablet 'why do teenagers sh?'

also mind u again she's 11

my dad is usually like that like he talks abt shit abt ppl when theyre not here so he thinks its fine bc it isnt direct (also shoutout to my sis for telling me all of this <333) and whenever it comes to me its ALWAYS abt sh and fucking REPEATS how im abnormal. can we js go back to how lazy and weak i am i mean thx for the validation that i wanted like.. 6 years ago but im literally better rn and the suicidal urges have decreased SIGNIFICANTLY whenever i cut so idk

tbh i feel like im js a normal person w urges and i dont need any medical attention at all and all of this ngl feels js like a waste of time especially i mainly cut bc im js bored 😭😭

to clarify what i mean by being bored, its like a relief/pleassure for me to bleed out and its SOOOO satisfying to watch the blood drip down and like i dont have any stress so like i technically cant calm down when im litterally fine so i js say im bored bc its kinda true tbh

but the good-ish thing is that i MIGHT be sent to a mental hospital which means I get to get AWAY from my family like im honestly considering it bc im getting pretty desperate rn but ill wait until like next yr so events wont be interferred

Published by Articulo Mortis

i think the world is trying to guilt trip me so hard rn

TW: SH

TW: SH

TW: SH

TW: SH

TW: SH

TW: SH

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