Did We Forget To Exist By Ourselves?

I just finished rewatching one of my comfort movies, "You've Got Mail" (1998). Today has been long, as I finished another exam week in my sophomore year of university. Truth be told, academics-wise, it was not a rough week. I had one exam out of all the classes I took; the rest were assignments I had already submitted. Next week it is a break, so my roommates will not be in the dorm. Nor will my other friends who live with us or close by. One week. It's not too long. Right?

I cannot go home since home is a long way from where I am at, therefore, I will be remaining on campus, with nothing but too much time to think. Does the looming thought of being incapable of loving or being in love haunt anyone else in the back of your head? Probably does. I'm not the first nor the last one to deal with it. University. People fall in love, fall out of love. If you could describe the phases of your life as seasons, it would most likely be spring. I have friends, so I surely cannot be lonely.

After school, I came back home, and I was already feeling the looming pressure of tears welling up. Dumb. Suppose I've had to deal with so many things these few weeks. My social battery must've run out by not having spent too much time by myself. No. I chose to not spend time alone and instead tried spending time with people around me despite feeling my social capabilities diminish with exhaustion. What happened then? I fear being alone. I briefly visited another friend who was packing up to fly out of the country for the break. Came back. 

The dam broke. Next thing I know, I was silently sobbing in my empty dorm room. 

When I am not surrounded by people, by company, thoughts of how lonely I feel surface back in my conscious mind just like dead fish surfacing as they start decomposing. It's a weird comparison I know. If I'm surrounded by my friends, then how the hell am I feeling alone? I shouldn't be, right? I have no excuse to be. 

Just yesterday, I was talking with my roommate about my disappointment in people who pursue people for the idea of just being in a relationship. I mean, it's superficial. Having dated someone like that in the past, I wondered if they cannot provide that happiness to themselves. Maybe I was being harsh. Do you not realize that in our essence as humans, we crave the company of someone, a mate, a partner, a spouse, a soulmate, a flame, another pea just fitting your pod? Is this not an idiosyncracy of life? 

My mind wanders to the thought of several people who circulate in my life. I think to myself: What if it was them, and maybe what if I blew my chances off because I was pining over someone who did not share any bit of interest? No. No. No. Just like the apple fell onto Newton's head that one fine day, these were the stone fruits to fall on my head. We don't miss out on anything. Some things maybe just need time to ripen and present themselves as delectable fruits of our liking. Just because of convenience, I shouldn't rush to the first person or get smitten with them. I have a lot to focus on, to balance by myself. Adding an emotional stress to that surely is not the right idea. And to be fair, to me, getting involved with someone out of convenience... it just feels disrespectful. That's what I find disappointing with the aforementioned discussion.

It all feels awkward writing these. However, maybe sometimes some things need to be addressed to be able to dealt with properly. Maybe this is me manically writing something up after watching the movie and feeling envious about how Kathleen Kelly was able to express herself so poetically. Do I have to over-rationalize everything? Do I have to gaslight myself into thinking that I am overreacting, that I am just making it up. Do I hold myself to high standards, by having placed myself on a pedestal mentally? Most definitely, I should address these, the way I handle myself and my emotions, my thoughts. Having deleted social media apps and limited my usage, it seems that these will be recurring challenges for me to deal with and not tweak out over in every incident.

luna occidit.