my life is such a shit bag, and I'm supposed to be grateful?

i hate the general public, everyone is so damn fake and manipulative I've never seen any selfless shit ever there's always some shit behind all motives. its pissing me off no one is really my friend no one hangs out with me, no one does shit with me its really damn stupid. everyone claims me to be their friend but to they really listen, do they really comprehend, do they really care? No one really invites me out, if i were ever to be invited out id have to always fucking initiate it which is frankly sad. 

I've been told its normal human nature to do that which i fucking think not if you truly deeply care about a friend you don't need to be reminded of their mere existence.

 fuck i genuinely hate rich bastards that rub it in my face that their rich like fucking yeah i get it  you bitch your rich and I'm not clearly working three jobs as you vacation in Europe.

 i hate my parents for all this shit why get a kid knowing their going to hate the mere thought of living you bastards i will never forgive them. topping it off with the fact they knew a war would start in my country and ill fucking despise them. they also fully fucking knew that ill have a shit ton of health issues. Now i may sound like an asshole but listen to me and please let this be a respectful place to have a proper discussion.

technology has come so far and wide to the point where it’s advanced enough that you could tell if your child will have life threatening disabilities I’m not talking about autism or ones where the child has some developmental disabilities (that they can work on but take more time then their peers) but ones where they cannot function at all without constant assistance. 

I can excuse people who don’t have access to this technology but the people who have access and still choose to have the child are plain cruel like my fucking parents.  okay so like about a week ago my parents had revealed my little brother had autism and we shouldn’t get mad at him for misbehaving (like what)

now mind you they knew this for years and only now did they tell me and my other brother we we‘re both obviously furious about this because why the fuck would they hide this for so long? Apparently they didn’t want us to bully/make fun of him (???)

I got mad because he’s shown so much concerning behavior and they all let it go to him being a boy, a little kid, not knowing better giving all these half shit excuses rather then getting him help.

i yelled at them for literally neglecting him to the point he’s probably going to grow into a murder, they got mad at me calling me a brat ‘how could you say such a thing about your little brother’

I explained to them in short details about how fucking disturbing and destructive his behavior is:

1. he once tried to stab me and my brother along with two kids we had over in my room (I managed to unhand the knife from him by throwing my teddy bear at him )

2. tried stabbing me four times minus the story above

3. he gets so mad when he isn’t given what he wants right then and there (my ass would’ve been beat when I was his age doing this lmao)

4. he never listens to instructions getting mad when we tell him to do anything repeatedly

5. doesn’t ever do his school work (thus my parents get pissed at me ??)

6. tried ‘touching‘ me and my other brother (we just slapped him off I don’t know that kinda was over board but what else was I supposed to do)

7. he took my phone once and deleted all videos/ audio recordings of his misbehaving calling me a bitch or whatever saying ‘no one will believe you’

it just brings me to my fucking ends wits atp like I don’t know what the hell to do talking to my parents is like talking to a brick wall considering they don’t really believe in getting him a doctor or a professional to talk to saying it‘ll ‘ruin his esteem‘ or ‘he’s not crazy‘ (yeah sure bud) I don’t know. anyways this other time my father said “I’ll break your legs if you try to leave” when i got an acceptance letter to a school in Germany he also tore my acceptance letter. This was a competitive position at an academy in Germany that I was granted an opportunity to study in, a high end academy for a few months. It tore my heart more then anything he’d ever said to me, which believe me now looking back is much worse. when i got an acceptance letter to a school in Germany he also tore my acceptance letter. This was a competitive position at an academy in Germany that I was granted an opportunity to study in, a high end academy for a few months. It tore my heart more then anything he’d ever said to me, which believe me now looking back is much worse.

He’s always said out of pocket stuff about me leaving for school events that are outside my country/ province and would say stuff like ‘who’s going to protect you’ and ‘no women under my roof can leave without a male with her’ which I found to be odd I don’t know What the case is with that.

he’d always downplay all my achievement/ accomplishments for some reason i mostly believe he does this because he never finished his high school career.

(I don’t shit on anyone who drops out everyone has their reasons but still why make me shit about my academic accomplishments when you haven’t had any)

this was always the case all through out all school stuff it really sucked even when I was younger in pre-k but I guess that’s for another story.

On the topic of school/achievements to put it bluntly I’m much smarter then my siblings, yes I know their younger then me, yes I know I sound like an asshole when I say this but when I was their age (I can hear the eye rolling and it’s fine you Could judge me about this) my parents used to push me to my limits with my grades they didn’t like anything less then an A, they always screamed and yelled at me with everything I struggled with.

A good example: my writing skills are pretty shit both in Arabic and in English and he’d always complain about them an important piece of information is that my family are immigrants and I’m the main translator in my family which means I do most the paperwork/ filling out of sheets and answering phone calls from banks, work, school, etc.

back to my siblings their both getting worse grades then me yet my parents celebrate their achievements more then mine, they get into more trouble then me at their age (hell I wasn’t even a bad child imo my behavioral issues were mainly because of neglected mental health and breakdowns) even sometimes getting authorities involved and such and it always pisses me off which makes me feel like a shitty person.

I just sort need to vent for a bti, I don’t really talk about my mother much because I’m torn between shit with her on one hand she’s a victim on her own but on another she fucked me over so many times it left me genuinely fucked up.

 but man fuck them genuinely fuck and they have the audacity to be abusive like shit man you want a lolipop for providing basic child necessities??? "i give you shelter, food, and internet" like what you want a prize for giving me basic human rights?? not to say that my father kept kicking me out when i was 10yrs old letting me fend for myself for weeks? what the fuck man. he can go kill himself. i remember so clearly by him when i was told to kill myself while i was in the car with him after a session with my consoler, what type of father says that to his kid. i fucking hate my life man. he is such a shit human being why am i related to him why have apathy for such a shit bag why why does no one believe me when i say this. why does no one care. 

i wish if he was absent rather then ever present in my life. "oh my father was never present in my life and it sucked your just a brat" shut the fuck up literally shut the fuck up. I'm not you, and be more grateful to whoever is still present in your loser shit ass life. 

i have to accept the fact that i look like genuine shit idk why it wont stick with me that i will never look good or decent looking, i fell for a stupid lie told by everyone to me. genuinely looking at the mirror makes me want to throw up. like sure my tits are big but that's about the only decent thing i got. my hair looks thin, its short i regret cutting it. my eyes are shit colored and my skin is nether dark or pale enough its so weird. i look like a corpse to put it simply except I'm fucking fat for my height.

i hate living this miserable life man, i always have to fend for myself no one to rest on, no shoulder not even a back to rest on. why cannot i have a regular childhood man. 

 i really need a gun man.