Anything We Want

I've been listening to more Fiona Apple recently, my step-mother, April, showed me her. I couldn't stop listening to Fiona after April died on December 24, 2024. I became a shell of a person after. I always talked down on her and hated her for how she treated me and my siblings, yet when she died, I was so depressed over it. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know where to go, I couldn't bring myself to hangout with anyone but my cousin and our friend. For a while after I attempt to kill myself on Sept 1, I took any and everything with a gran of salt. I distanced myself from everyone for two months and attached myself to people. I distanced myself from so many and ruined ( almost ) so many relationships of mine. I hid myself away from anyone I thought hated me, making them actually hate me. Ava was one of the people I hurt the most during this time. Ava and I, and many of the people I almost lost, have mended our relationship ever since I've been talking therapy far more serious and getting better (Nov/December). We are so much closer and I'm so glad. I've grown so much since then, but April's death reset a lot of progress. I almost made attempted at my life once more on 00:00 1/1/25. I was so sick of trying and with my death of April I felt like I was at a loss. I went out to a field near me house and stared at the stars for a minute, smoked a cigarette, and went to go do the deed, but I got a reminder on my phone. It was to send Ryan his letters. Instead of dying that night, I walked back home and wrote that letter. I haven't told anyone that was the plan that night. This is the first time admitting it. It made me realize I had something to live for. I had family, friends, and a fucking future. I'm so glad I didn't that night. I don't smoke anymore. I'm a lot healthier and my grades have gotten so much better. I've grown less hateful and so much more accepting of others. I've been so much happier. I've made so many friends and gotten so much closer to others. Sadly, I haven't been hanging out with people as much as I used too because I've been so focus on grades and school and clubs and what-not, but I'll be mending that all so soon. I've been writing more. There will always be ups and downs, and I am finally prepared for the both. Anyways :3 I love my t4t toxic yaoi abusive husband Ryan and I'm so glad I didn't kms 👅