travel log (ramble on)

I like the idea of blogging but I'm not sure about like, what to use this website for. I really do like the aesthetics and customization and such.

          I would type extensively about subjects I'm interested in but I just don't see the growth this platform would bring...

I return to this website and I'm struck by my previous posts as I've grown plenty since then. Immediately I'm just like, wow this is cringe. Like, as fuck. Yet, a more emotional part of me reaches out for sympathy. I can't abandon who I was, no matter how far I attempt to distance myself from it. I've felt myself develop according to my surroundings but I must also acknowledge the changes I've experienced; I don't hang out with the people I used to. I convince myself it's just a part of life but there's nothing stopping me from returning to those people. As what I believe I want shifts, I focus my attention on it, pursue it. What I've failed to realize is that as much as I try to change my environment and dictate my perspective, I am a result of what dictates me - what I allow to change me. I've strayed from the curious ideas of transgenderism, of colorful aestheticism, of autistic expression - things I used to find great interest in. I've grown past it, and a small part of me shouts embarrassment.

I realize (as I type this really) that I shouldn't feel this way. The people I hang out with now drag me away from these concepts but my curiosity lingers. Frankly, they don't understand where I come from - they only know where I'm at. There's always been room for misunderstanding. And I get it! Different friends bring out different parts of you. Yet, when you're only really friends with a primary group of people at a time, those focused parts expand and start to shape the whole. I hang around people who skate and smoke and involve in crude humor and all I can do is follow suit. I know who I am and I weigh the decisions I make. I know what happens around me, I know what I like and don't like. Though, when I have no space to practice who I truly believe myself to be, that self falls apart, giving way to extreme doubt. Who I am has only been maintained by me and me alone. This presents a mental divide; two different people in perpetual tug-of-war. Do this, not that, do that, not this. How can I be interested in something that embarrasses me? It's no way to live! My psyche is fragile and it pisses me off. I can't practice who I am openly. I am only reserved to what I can express. If I was truly myself I would be lonelier than I already am.

But... isn't that wrong?

I don't want to take any risks.

I've been deprived too long. I can't give more than I have.

I come back to my old posts now. These examples of someone I don't associate with. I don't get it, I don't get why I said what I did yet I do. I know how I felt, I know how I thought. I don't think like that anymore.

I kinda miss it. I likely say that for the wrong reasons...

...I AM a curious person. I love it.

I don't know. I can't help but pick at reasons to justify my distaste. It was a period of escapism and immaturity I don't want to go back to. I'm not somebody who is currently interested in these things. And while these statements are true, it doesn't excuse why I can't embrace my previous interests as a part of me, why I can't embrace the values that guided me to them. Truly, I wouldn't mind continuing these interests. 

But, I've been dragged towards feeling that there is us and there is them and changing is an odd thing.

The terrible anxiety that drives me further from myself is embedded in my code. I'm trying to rewrite it but all I have to work with is time and consistent effort. Sometimes I don't want to try. All I want is to finally be okay with who I am.

Who am I?

I can't know.

I can't say for sure right now, high school life is a mess. I'm afraid and forced to cower in the darkness. I want all I am and all I was. I want all I have the potential of being. I hope I find a place to figure it out soon...

I should trash my phone and live off the grid. That'd absolutely shred.