Rant I guess

Honestly I don't know how to start this, just today has been draining mentally. I can't exactly express how I feel exactly with simply typed words... I've grown paranoid more often, teachers looming over me, people in general. I feel paranoid, as if I'm being judged or something. Having Schizophrenia hasn't exactly been any easier, if anything I feel more terrified.. Having nobody has made it harder on me. Before I went so long, denying and ignoring myself. Denying who I am all the way till freshman year. I was ignoring the fact I'm alone and lack anyone within my life that will comfort me, seek to be within my presence, someone who'd love me. My whole life has been full of people who lied to me. From friends, to the only 4 ex lovers I had, to my own family. 

I don't know how to feel anymore, this person, he says he loves me, yet he comes off so dry. So cold. I feel like he's bound to block me, to ditch me or leave me someday. Maybe even sooner, that's the horrid feeling of being dragged into a pit where only suspense and my thoughts thrive within. I fear him to leave me.. he understands me, in a way he does, I understand him. Yet does he really understand me?. It drives me at times to paranoia when I feel like he doesn't understand me. When nobody understands me. I have no intention to lie when it comes to love, my emotions in general. 

I'm so pissed off honestly, I love him but he fcking doesn't! I know he doesn't. My heart wouldn't ache around him so much.. I wouldn't overthink so deeply. Yet like a fool I cling to the single thread of hope, granting me the idea, just the tiniest sliver of thought that he might genuinely love me.. why am I the way I am.?