Better Depressed Than Anxious (rant)

Depression feels better than anxiety. 

Depression is the absence of caring about yourself and your life. Anxiousness is an absolute overflow of caring about yourself and your life. 

Now tell me what sounds better – easier – sweet detachment or constant stress? 

I’m job hunting right now and I keep thinking, Depressed Me would have this job thing over with in a month. She would have applied for everything, just to get anything. Then she would have slaved away there, at whatever, dead and dying. But she wouldn’t care, at least she was making a living. She would forget the events of the days as quickly as they arrived. It wouldn’t matter what she was doing at all. 

But Anxious Me is different. She wants a job she can somewhat enjoy. She won’t apply for any type of customer-service heavy position, because she can’t handle the pressure of needing to appear happy to help all the time, and she knows she would burn out eventually in a position with constant human interaction. She wants better for herself. She can’t settle, because settling just means more anxiety. 

Depressed Me wouldn’t care about “greeting customers with a smile”, if she gets fired she gets fired. Who cares. She’ll have another dead-end job in a couple months. 

Right now Anxious Me, the default persona, is stuck in me. And she can’t find a fucking job.

I miss her, that other one, the apathetic one who shows up sometimes to take my cares away, to give me a break.