my love/hate relationship with my empathy

i love being empathic. i think it's such a nice aspect of me, i got that from both of my parents and i notice that SO MUCH. my dad would never hurt someone intentionally, my mom does sometimes and people blame her for that but she grow up so harshly in so many toxic enviroments. im so proud of her for what she had built in her life, she does so many mistakes. maybe too many mistakes, horrible ones. but i know she had suffered, she is such a sad and lonely soul and im the only one who understands her. She has one of the deepest heart ever, she LOVES loving. she knows how to love perfectly. and i got that from her and my dad. thats why i love my extreme empathy that i feel towards people. I love understanding what's going on in my friend's mind and emotions, making them feel assured and supported. I love when i cry for joy at someone else's happiness and success. I cried from happiness everytime i saw my friends finally talking to their crushes, i almost felt more anxious than them when waiting for the crush coming in the hallway. i notice every shift of emotion in people's movements, not in an obsessive way. it happens so naturally like my mind is costantly taking notes on other people's sufference. 

BUT obviosly this happens with negative emotions too, i can feel people's pain even if they dont talk. i have such a stron intuition to that and sometimes wish i didnt have it. Today i saw a child that wasnt playing with anyone, he was sitting on the ground. his eyes were so depressed and he was overlining the cement with a tiny wood stick. tell me why i still fucking feel horrible after seeing that, i blame myself so much cause i couldnt do anything at all to help. Not because i didnt want to try or something i just morally couldnt. And it hurt me so much knowing i cant avoid others feeling bad. I can support and comfort but bad things happens to everyone and so many people dont deserve all of that shit, it messes up my mind so much i feel like im exploding.fuuuuuuuuuckkk!!!!!

byee bye see you next vlog and sorry i didnt decor this as i usually do